The City of Brotherly BS

The Philadelphia Inquirer - "Philly's Phictional History Tours"

So there is a bit of hubbub surrounding the tour guides in Philadelphia's historic Old City district. It seems that the guides are getting a bit bored with the same old stories and have been accused of throwing a bit of fiction to spice them up.

Since we're making shit up here, I might as well have a shot at forging historical facts; tawdry tales whose intrigue is equaled only by their falsity. Seriously, who's better at BS than me? That's right. Nobody.

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Joe's Historic Un-Truths Uncovered

• Contrary to popular myth, George Washington did not have wooden teeth. He actually used human teeth. The worst part is that these replacements were not volunteered to the Old Gentleman. Many a summer night found our first president lurking in the city squares, climbing into private homes and prying teeth from infants and small children. That is where we get the saying, "Out of the mouths of babes..." Few knew the rest of the idiom, "... is where old George gets his chompers."

• During the Revolution, the British occupation of Philadelphia was a very dark time. It is rumored that many of the founding fathers dressed as women to escape capture. However, that still doesn't explain why John Adams was courted by and married to a British sergeant beginning during the occupation and lasting until four years after the war ended.

• The defect in the Liberty Bell was NOT an accident. It is actually a symbol of the original city motto "Philadelphia: Nobody has more crack than us."

  However, economic changes of the late 20th century have given the Bell new meaning. The glaring fracture now serves as a constant reminder that it is never a good idea to buy American-made goods.

• Much has been made about the oversized signature of John Hancock on the Declaration of Independence. Thing is, John Hancock wasn't a real person. It is merely the result of Benjamin Franklin's crude humor. Fortunately, a delegate from New York was able to persuade him off of his original choice of "Thaddeus Buckfutter."

• Most people do not think much of Philadelphia streets being named for trees. They think it was just good city planning by god-fearing Quakers. Close. Few people know that the Quaker faith was merely a front for the Satanic Tree Tribes - some of the first apocalyptic cults in the nation. For example Walnut, Vine and Locust Streets are named for the demon-cults that inhabited those areas: Worshippers of the Walnut, the Evil Vine and Locusts for Lucifer. City planning indeed.

• Did you know that Olde Philly was home to many of the country's first scandals? Much of the population could not read, so a popular form of entertainment was picture books. One popular series, Ye Maidens Gone Wild, caused the devil's delight as it depicted portraits of unwed lasses casting out their bosom from underneath the cover of lacy frock.

• Supposed scholars claim that the state's name of Pennsylvania is Latin for "Penn's Woods". A convenient translation, but the founder William Penn actually named the state in a rare, ancient Slavic language, in which the original name, "Pennus yll vanyako", loosely translates to "Suck on this, Jersey."