Welcome Freshmen!

As an upper classmen, I feel somewhat obligated to share with the incoming freshmen the fruits of my experience so that you know what to expect during your first year in college. The first thing you should learn is who you can trust. Ladies, the guy promising you free beer is not your friend. Nothing is free in this world and this guy is expecting something in return. Gentlemen, any man promising you free beer is your friend. Follow him wherever he goes and do exactly what he says. Forget everything your parents told you about accepting gifts from strangers.

As this new year begins some things are going to be new for all of us. I know I was surprised to learn of the renovations to Buckley Green, which included the addition of a giant cage around the field's perimeter that more suitable for housing velociraptors rather that Drexel students. Insert your own witty comment here.

Speaking of improving campus aesthetics, I am sure we're in agreement that a simple rerouting of subway steam pipes to the mouth of the dragon sculpture on the corner of 33rd and Market would be well worth the expense. What other college campus could boast of having its very own fire breathing dragon? Now that would be school spirit.

Another lesson to learn is that your years of college are sure to bring about great change. By now, you've ravaged Bed, Beth & Beyond. You have your matching sheets and egg crate bed padding. Whereas next year I'm betting that you'll be scouring curbsides for back to school items such as lamps, wall decorations, televisions and furniture. I guarantee that in the next few months, your defintion of "free" will dramatically change. Anthing that isn't locked up, bolted down or resting in someone's palm will be seen as fair game. There are even exceptions to this criteria.

Over the summer you surely received scores of pamphlets and other Drexel propaganda- I mean educational literature. However, those documents may have failed to give an accurate idea of what to expect in the first few weeks of school. For instance, I'm sure that by now you've purchased your top of the line computer, a machine 10,000 times more powerful than what was used to put man on the moon. Appropriately, the technological wonder sitting atop your desk will soon be used only for instant messaging and listening to MP3s. One small step, indeed.

You'll soon find that unlike high school, no one really gives a damn about your classroom attendance. I assure you that the first time you skip a class will yield an unimaginable sense of freedom, like frolicking naked through a rolling meadow. By week 3, everytime your friends mention an assignment or an upcoming test, you'll ask, "Am I in that class?"

You may currently be in agreement with your parents when you swear that you'll use every meal on your meal card, every single week. But by week 4, the fact that the cafeteria is "so damn far away from everything" will result in Ramen Noodles being considered 3 of the 4 major food groups. The 4th group being water.

Now any hackneyed jerk can give you a list of the standards of every freshmen experience. The gift of clairvoyance is something else entirely as I'm prepared to make my predictions of what lies ahead for Drexel University in the upcoming term.

  1. After years of confusing students by aimlessly sending them from department to department, the Financial Aid and Bursar's Offices will be merged. All employees will be replaced by a single monitor that says, "Go Away." The monitor will cost $20,000 and will be reflected on your next bill.
  2. The Phantom of the Shaft, a horribly disfigured man living in the depths of the concrete fallic symbol in the train yard, will surface to reveal that he is the cause of all Drexel student frustrations. He will laugh maniacally as he extolls his conquests of the past thirty years, including all billing, housing and grade-related problems unjustly suffered by Drexel students. Despite the candid confession, students will continue to blame President Papadakis.
  3. Residential Living will acquire the land 7-11 is on at the corner of 34th and Lancaster Ave. The administration will charge pandering vagrants outside the convenience store for housing costs and begin asking the beggars to "spare some change" for their bills.
  4. Drexel will make headlines across the nation when MCP Hahnemann alleges that last year's merger of the two schools was not "consensual." In response the Drexel student body will attempt to oust President Papadakis with a recall vote. Arnold Schwarzenegger will throw his hat into the contest even after learning that the position is not up for democratic election.
  5. In attempt to widen its customer base, the University bookstore will begin selling Harry Potter paraphernalia. In response to the terrible failure, the bookstore will attempt to return the merchandise to the retailers. In a tragic instance of irony, the retailers will only return 10% of the original cost to the bookstore.

In conclusion, I'd like to wish the entering freshmen a heartfelt welcome to Drexel University. If you're willing to give the effort, I guarantee that your time spent at Drexel will be some of the most fun you've ever had and an excellent experience overall. If you happen to spot me on campus, feel free to stop me and say hello. I'll be the guy handing out free beer to the freshmen female population.

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