Judgement Day

According to reputable source The Internet, the Christian Bible foretells that Judgement Day was to occur precisely on May 21, 2011, Earth. This is to be followed by the resurrection of the dead, destruction of the world, yada yada, the undoing of existence, etc.

For those of you who don't recall, Judgement Day begins with The Rapture, the moment Jesus returns to pick out his favorites to join him in heaven for eternity. The damned, unwanted and red-headed remainders are to left wallow and wait out the end of the world which, according to said Internet, is to occur on October 21 of the same year.

If my memory serves me correctly, Judgement Day is also supposed to involve some pretty badass robots chasing each other around in an epic battle with lots of high intensity, edge-of-your-seat action. One of the robots has the ability to turn into liquid mercury. Very cool.

Due to the fact that it is - as of press time - May 22, 2011, I can only draw one conclusion: God didn't get my RSVP. Also, that chick I was supposed to hang out with must have been one of the Chosen Ones because why else isn't she answering her damn phone?

So. October 21. Right before Halloween. Bummer. If ever there was a party made for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it would have been The Last Halloween Ever (Special Guest: David Bowie).

The only thing left to do now is spend the next five months really kicking ass and pushing my sin limits to the max. For the soulless left-behinds who are currently reading this, I promise you: it won't be pretty. I plan to get into some real nasty stuff. You can bet your ass that there will be absolutely no exercising. I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want. I'm going to use crude language and fuckin cuss like no damn ass-bitch ever shat before. Balls! And I sure as hell ain't getting my ass up at 8am to go to work. I'm cruising in at least 10. Maybe even 10:30 if I was up late the night before.

So... no real changes at all. I might try to learn French.

So We Meet Again, Mr. God

So I had another dream that I was hanging out with God. He was a lot cooler this time. Probably because I was still alive and he wasn't damning me to hell.

It was a fairly typical dream: I couldn't remember the combination to my 7th grade locker. This big dog kept chasing me around while he barked "Rollover! 401k! Retirement!" at me. I managed to lose him somewhere in the Cartoon Forest by ducking into a sketchy-looking diner. But for some reason I thought it was my grandmother's kitchen. So I decided to have breakfast for dinner — which is still the best thing ever.

The waitress was the lady from the Swiffer commercials but her voice sounded like that annoying Geicho gecko. No sooner had she delivered my delicious-looking omelet than the god of Abraham, Mr. Divine himself, strolled into the place, walked up to my booth and asked if the seat opposite me was taken.

He didn't look the way I'm used to seeing God. There was no white beard, no flowing robes and no sandals. And He wasn't pointing at me with a look of smite. He looked more like Christopher Lloyd.

Hello, Joseph.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that never gets old. Are you surprised to see Me?

Seriously, who capitalizes the word 'me'?

That's not My doing. That's just how I'm written. Everyone I reveal Myself to thinks they need to exaggerate Me to get My point across. Remember in the Bible where it says I spoke to the tribes of Israel and the whole earth shook while everyone covered their ears and writhed in pain? Yeah. Not so much.

Umm, sure. Well, I don't totally recall that exact scene... per se. I mean... I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Are you kidding Me? I write one book and you can't even read that. And you expect Me to help you get published?

To be fair, you didn't really WRITE the Bible. You dictated it to like 1,000 ghost writers. Either way the capitalization thing seems a little pompous. And first off, it's a really long book.

Well... I had a lot to say. So give me another excuse.

That's mostly it. It is really thick. Plus a lot of it is really scary. Turning people into pillars of salt. Creating different languages to cause mass confusion just because somebody built a tower that was too high for Your building codes. You can be a real bastard sometimes.

Look: I've made bushes spontaneously erupt into flames. I got a drunk to build a boat in 40 days and fill it with hundreds of filthy animals. I made three intelligent men wander aimlessly through the desert to give expensive treasures to a baby in a barn. But that was after a lot of practice. Things weren't so easy the first few times around.

It's kinda like the iPhone: the first generation is never perfect. You try your best the first time out, but at some point you have to put it out there and see what happens. All that vengeance and wrath in the Old Testament? I was trying to figure things out and some of it came out a bit clumsily. But you have to pretend that it was all on purpose or the inmates start trying to run the asylum.

Heck — I thought it was as easy as putting out a simple list on what people should and shouldn't do. But you people like things really complex and mystical. Things eventually got easier.

I'm just sayin: you have a knack for only showing up whenever people are having a good time drinking, fornicating and worshipping golden cows. It kinda harshes the mellow.

Oh, give Me a break. With the infinite patience I've — wait, are you messing with me?

Yeah. I'm just busting Your balls, Guy.

Awkward silence. Note to self: never refer to God's balls while in His divine presence. I mean Balls.

Sorry.

Yeah.

And so we chatted for awhile. I was a little annoyed that he didn't order anything because it put me in the awkward position of "Do I eat my food? How long am I supposed to wait?" I don't know the table etiquette when dining with one's Creator. Can it be considered spiritual fasting? Either way, a cold omelet is a waste of my time.

I tried to hold it back, but there was something I had to ask Him.

I've tried to hold this back, but there's something I have to ask You.

Not at all surprising. Happens every time. Go right ahead.

Well... have I ever made you laugh?

That's your question? That's it? With the ruler of existence standing before you, the keeper of all mysteries of life just inches from your face, all you can think about is whether or not you've made Him laugh?

Yeah. That about sums it up.

Alright. Fine. To be honest, you have made me laugh. Once.

Once? Just once?

You gotta remember; I've been around for awhile. There isn't much that can surprise Me — no good surprises at least. It takes a special something to catch Me off guard and give Me a chuckle.

It was the other day at work when I fell up the stairs, wasn't it?

What can I say? People falling is funny. People falling UP is just hilarious.

Thanks.

I'll tell ya: I DVR'ed that and have been showing it to everyone. The part where the woman walks up to you and you reach out your hand because you think she's going to help you up, but she just walks right by? Gets Me every time!

Well I'm glad that both heaven and earth can find joy in my pain.

Actually, Jesus was the one person who didn't find it funny.

Good. He sets a fine example for everyone else.

No, He just doesn't like you.

What!? Jesus doesn't like me?

Not really. Says you're too over the top. Plus, He likes a lot of attention.

Mr. Walks-On-Water likes the spotlight? No!

I know, right? So He gets jealous whenever people are interested in something else. Only child syndrome. Same as you.

But I'm not an only child. I have a sister.

And I've had 20 billion other children besides Jesus but that doesn't stop Him from acting like a brat.

Point taken.

Be that as it may. You may have guessed that My coming here was not by chance. You've been saying things about Me recently that are quite troubling.

...

A few days back, I was having one of my usual philosophical debates about religion with a friend. It's rare that my observations are appreciated.

... all I am saying is that Mary didn't have a choice in the matter. Nobody asked her if she wanted to birth the son of God. The angel just says, "This is the way it's gonna be... you're having this kid." She was forced into it. It's like sexual harassment of Biblical proportions.

That's just wrong. You're not even going to hell. Satan himself would feel awkward around you. There is no place for where you belong.

If that happens, then I will have beat the system. Good for me.

I couldn't be 100% sure, but I had a hunch it was the sexual harassment part that had him pissed off.

...

How many times do we have to have this talk, Joseph?

I was just trying to make the point of perspective. You can spin anything to mean whatever you want and, as You may have noticed, it tends to happen quite a bit with Your work.

I am quite aware. Though I'm not sure your friend picked up on the satirical nature of your argument.

Why's that? Because she punched me in the kidney? Nah. That could have been for any number of reasons.

That's true. But the very next day you yelled at your atheist friends, condemning them for being...

"... incredibly vain. To think that you possess some superhuman insight into the mysteries and explanations of human spirituality is beyond egotistical, and to argue as such is a fruitless and completely ignorant exercise."

Yeah, I sound really smart, don't I?

No! You totally contradict yourself and completely insult Me and everyone around you in the process.

I know. Pretty simple, right? You'd think people would figure out by now that's all that I do.

I've got nothing for that. I can see now that this entire discussion has been a fruitless and completely ignorant exercise.

Ah, don't beat Yourself up over it. You're still learning.

By now, my omelet looked like a rubber dog toy. Yeck. Since it was sort of His fault anyway, I figured He wouldn't mind helping me out.

Hey. Uh... Before you go. This omelet is stone cold. You wanna zap it for me?

Zap it?

Yeah. You know. Give it the old heat beam or whatever.

You really don't know anything, do you?

Not really. It's pretty sweet.

In an instant, I found myself lying in my own bed, covered in sweat and breathing heavily. Without quite knowing why, I stumbled out of bed and shuffled to the window in a daze. As my eyes came into focus, I beheld a scene most awesome: a line of 7 trees, each at least 40 feet high, were ablaze with a thunderous fire that ran continuously through them all.

Frozen in place, I stared for endless moments as the brightest yellows, oranges, and reds danced hypnotically before me. And yet the trees remained completely unharmed. Each branch, twig and leaf swayed lazily as though completely ignorant of the violence raging around them. For all its splendor, the fire was powerless. It was as though some invisible force kept the trees from harm.

Umm... that's probably just a coincidence. I'm going back to sleep and finishing that omelet.

Questions to God

Last night I dreamt that I met with God at the entrance to Heaven. I guess I was dead, but I looked fantastic so I assume that it wasn't due to any external injuries.

"Hello, Joseph. Welcome to the Gates of Heaven. Are you ready to stand judgment before Me?"

"I guess so. There's just a few things I've got to ask you before we do this."

"That's expected. Though it really won't do you much good to have those answers now. I've been asked questions since the beginning of time. There is nothing you cannot ask me that I have not already been asked for thousands of years before you arrived here."

"I know. But still, I have to. I feel like you might not be seeing the picture they way we do."

"Fair enough. List your questions and I will answer them all when you have finished."

"Okay. Let's see... Do you hate women? Because the whole menstruation, double standard of sex, orgasms, childbirth and menopause thing has a lot of us thinking that you might be sexist. And how come the Jewish people are always getting messed with? Do they really want to take over the world? Is it cool to eat meat? Because vegetarians can be more judgmental than Catholics. Dying doesn't make sense either. Just when you start to figure things out - BAM! - done. Whole new plane of existence to figure out. Why are there, like, 700 religions? It pretty much makes it impossible to know what's right. Mary Magdalene: care to comment?... "

forty years later...

"... like how Arrested Development barely makes it 3 years and yet Friends is on the air for 10? What sense does that make?"

"Is that all?"

"Umm... yeah. I think that covers everything."

"Very well. As I previously stated, I have already been asked every one of your 1,505,392,6021 questions. However, you are the first person to ask every one of them. Except one. The question people most often ask me is the very one that you have not. You are the first person to stand judgment before me and not ask "Why are we here?" Do you not wish to know the meaning to existence?"

"Really? I just figured you were bored. I mean, what good is omnipotence and universal power without existence? Seems pretty simple to me."

"That is correct, Joseph. I've always been amazed at how such a simple answer could evade so many. And now for your answers. First off, Friends, the Yankees and Hitler were all works of the devil. Same goes for the American and French Revolutions."

"Wow. Are you serious?"

"Hey, I'm with you - I never saw the big deal with that show either. How many times can I hear the same four jokes? 236 apparently. Satan has a real lame sense of humor. It's actually one of the biggest reasons I kicked him out."

"I guess so... That explains a lot."

"As for the rest of your inquiries, they can all can be answered in a single reply."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Nunya."

"Nunya?"

"Nunya. Nunya bizness. And now for my judgment: you will not be entering my Kingdom. Hell is where you will reside from now on."

"Damn."

"Exactly."

"So that's, like... forever?"

"FOR... EV... VER... In Hades you will stay until beyond eternity, when infinity ends. And so it begins now. I suggest you close your eyes. The journey ahead of you is not a pleasant one."

Walking away from His Heavenly Presence, the Creator divine, I couldn't help but think to myself,

"Nunya. Ha! That dude cracks me up!"

Inside Mysterious Vatican Rituals

Well, my friends, the bells of St. Peter’s have rung and the white smoke has risen; the Roman Catholic Church has elected its 265th Pope. The papal election process (also known as the conclave) is notoriously clandestine and almost nothing is known about what goes on once the College of Cardinals is sealed behind the closed doors the conclave.

Hoping to unlock some of the secrets regarding the process, I was fortunate enough to sit down with one of the Cardinals who actually took part in the election of Pope Benedict XVI earlier this week. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, this clergy member helped to finally shed some light on the mysterious rituals that have been conducted for centuries in order to elect each new Pope.

Joe: What the world wants to know is, what happens once the doors of the conclave are sealed?

Anonymous Cardinal: To be honest, people think a lot more goes on than actually does. They think we’re in there, burning candles, chanting in secret languages, wearing special outfits - stuff like that. But really, we’re just doing guy stuff.

JS: Guy stuff?

AC: Yeah. Like, this year they brought in a foosball table and we had a little “Tournament of Cardinals.” It was a blast! A few of the nuns brought orange slices and PowerAde in between games. Good times.

JS: It sounds like it. But what can you tell us about the actual election process?

AC: Well, basically, it’s a free for all. Any of the Cardinals can run for Pope. So what we do is, we have each candidate get up and talk a little bit about what his potential papacy will be like. Then there’s the talent portion - oh, and we have to see how they look in the suit and the hat. You have to have the look of a Pope before you can be the Pope. And then, after each round, we vote using our Cingular or AT&T cellular phones by text messaging POPE01 (for example) to 1-800-POPE-4ME. This goes on for about four or five rounds until we get our ideal Pope.

JS: That sounds pretty simple, actually. So why did the election take so long? It was 17 days after the previous Pope passed away before Pope Benedict XVI was chosen.

AC: To be honest, we had him picked in no time. But things have been so hectic over the last few months, we missed out on a lot of stuff. A bunch of us spent the time catching up on all the episodes of Desperate Housewives we had missed. That show is just crazy. Like that post-nuptial business? I mean - seriously - who does that? I’m not supposed to say this so you didn’t hear it from me, but Carlos has got to divorce his little Whore of Babylon.

JS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

AC: Like hell you don’t, lawn boy.

JS: Father!

AC: Sorry.

JS: So, what can you tell us about John Paul II. The world knew him only as the Pope, but I understand you knew the man very well.

AC: Johnny? Yeah, we were good friends. He was great. Real funny. Like sometimes during our private masses, he’d bring out the wine during communion and just go, “Who wants shots?” That always made me laugh.

He liked to take us out cruising in the Pope Mobile a lot, too. We had this game where you’d stand in the Pope Box and he would try to knock you down by taking tight turns or slamming on the brakes real fast. Funny stuff.

Oh and he was always trying to get us to call him ‘JP squared.’ I kept telling him, “It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just make up your own nickname.” We finally settled on ‘J Pizzle’ as sort of an inside joke. He was a good guy. Good friend.

JS: That sounds nice. Lastly, Father, what can you tell us about the new Pope, Benedict XVI? Most of the world knows nothing about the man once named Joseph Ratzinger, who now finds himself as the new spiritual leader for more than 1 billion Catholics.

AC: Joey the Rat? To be honest, I don’t know him all that well. We run in different crowds, you know? I mean, he seems like a decent guy. The man is a terror on the piano; let me tell you. While we were in the conclave, he laid down some Beethoven like I have never heard it played before. Just awesome. Personally, I kept asking for some Tchaikovsky, but apparently he’s partial to the German composers.

JS: That’s some amazing information. Thank you for your time, Father Sebastian.

AC: Wait- you said you’re not going to use my name, right?

JS: What am I, an idiot?