Jailbird Paris

As you must have heard by now, hotel heiress Paris Hilton is going to jail. The real crime here is that when the Hollywood courts finally put a celebrity in jail, they pick one for driving with a suspended license and not one of the many who have murdered someone (IE OJ, Robert Blake, Phil Spector). Nice.

I wonder what's going to happen with all of this. I wonder... wonder... wonder... (cue daydream sequence)

FRIENDS
I'm betting that the first thing she'll do is try to bargain her way out. Her strongest survival instinct is to spend. She'll probably use this to try to shave some time off her sentence.

"Hey. Jail guy. You're hot. If you let me out, I could buy you..."
"Buy me what?"
"That's it. I could buy you. I bought that Jerry Maguire kid for, like, ten grand. You look like a few hundred bucks."

I do think it weird to imagine Paris Hilton in a jail cell with a common (aka non-famous) criminal. My biggest worry is that there won't be a camera to capture it all. At first I thought that the stick-thin billionaire would be the one at risk. But now I fear for her cellmate. I suspect that Paris will probably get into her cell and immediately start gabbing like a pre-teen at summer camp. Gucci this. Martha's Vineyard that. Colin Farrell's scurvy. I give the cellmate three hours before she poisons herself with a bar of soap. Poor murderer.

FAITH
And like any celebrity rehabilitation, Paris will most likely emerge as a supposedly changed woman, ready to abandon the selfish and sinful ways of her past. For a few days, tops. As soon as she gets out, she'll probably make a statement like:

"I have converted to Muslimism. I am no longer Paris Hilton. That is my slave name. To reflect my new relationship with Allah, I have renamed myself Aspen Hilton. But you may call me Tania."

FASHION
I doubt this episode will do much to hurt her popularity though. I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Paris Hilton trend-setting phenomenon' was given a boost, too. Just imagine, teenage girls across the country start wearing leg irons and orange jumpsuits. Not to be outdone, Paris will go one better by cutting off the sleeves and legs and altering it with a very low bust line. Fashion junkies will start committing crimes just so they can have access to the authentic garb: "I just have to get my hands on one of those outfits. They're soooo hot."

I think the very worst that can come from all of this is that the family business could be affected.

"Hey Daddy? Remember when you said you needed a cheaper design for the new hotel rooms? You should check out the rooms at the place I just stayed at. Super cheap. They cut out all the pricey stuff. Like carpeting and doors with hinges and bathrooms. They just put the potty right next to the bed. The bunk beds. Aren't poor people funny?"

They'll call it "The Paris Hilton Overnight Experience" and it will go for $300 a night. You know people would pay for it.

2007: Year in Review

Yeah. That's right. I'm looking back on 2007 just 50 days into the year. That's because this year has already been so f***ing ridiculous. I can't handle any more nonsense. It makes my head hurt.

The theme of the year has been crazy. Not just 'crazy'. We're talking 'super-nutso-insane-my-kind-of-woman' crazy. So where do we begin?

Pop Culture
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The biggest news of the year so far is that Anna Nicole Smith died. She has gotten more publicity with her death than she ever did in life. Speaking of which, no Kennedys have been accused of involvement in this one thus far (bonus points if you catch that reference).

And you thought that maybe this story could last for a few days. A week, tops. Nope. Just as the story died (too easy), some dude claimed that he was the Anna Nicole baby-daddy. And then another supposed baby-papa came forward. And another. And the majority of some high school football team, too. While no one in their right mind would admit to having sex with her while she was alive, we are getting some idea of the whore we always suspected she was.

And the story gets weirder every day. She stole a house in the Bahamas from some guy. She left everything to her son that died five months ago. I heard she used to sleep with an army of squirrels guarding her room. No I didn't.

Then to raise the bar, a former NASA astronaut slaps on a diaper and drives 400 miles to attack a romantic rival with pepper spray, a BB gun and a rubber hose. That's not actually as crazy as it sounds. I've had parties with all those ingredients and much more. And we had a hell of a good time. What's the big deal?

Oh Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney. She gets divorced. She parties. She's anti-panty. She neglects her kids. She dies her hair. She cuts off her hair. Honestly, I really don't give a damn what she does. It's her life. She's sold more records than me so who am I to criticize?

The insanity of the whole situation is that the f'ing media gets an erection the minute someone whispers her name. Usually because whatever nonsense rumor somebody makes up ends up being true. Do you know how I found out about the head-shaving incident? On CNN. CN-freaking-N. Wolf Blitzer, live from the Situation Room, the same place where wars, economic shifts and worldwide tragedies are brought to billions. And Britney's haircuts. I honestly think she gets together with her friends and they try to come up with crazy shit for her to do to see if the press will cover it for weeks.

POLITICAL HAPPENINGS
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Just when you thought it would be a good idea to distract yourself from pop insanity by focusing on political happenings, the stiffs go just as batty. Since none of us could wait any longer, full-on coverage of the 2008 presidential election began this January. Every move, every word and every misspoken statement has been obsessed over for weeks. Only 21 months to go!

"Is this country ready for a black president? A woman president? A black president? A woman president? Black. Woman. Black. Woman. Howie Mandel?" Oh, this won't get old anytime soon.

And amazingly, President Bush finally admitted that the war with/against/for/at Iraq was a disaster. It's as close as we'll get to him admitting a mistake. In response to this admittance, he reasons that we should probably double our troop deployment. Bwuhguh? It's like "I peed my pants a little. It was dumb. To fix it, I'm gonna pee a little more." Nice, Bushee.

But old Georgey wasn't done there. A month after that beauty, he goes on to accuse Iran of supplying weapons to the anti-American forces in Iraq. Let me get this straight. Arab nation supplies terrorists in other Arab nation with weapons to fight the United States. Oh, and there's no real evidence of it. It sounds so darn familiar. I swear I already saw that episode.

Britney Spears: Victim of Celebrity or Trashy Whore? Trashy Whore, No Contest

You know, I really thought that 2004 was going to be my year. I figured that the past 21 years were all in preparation for an all encompassing, near magical "Year of Joe." Yet, only three days into this year, I was greeted with tragic, horribly unsettling news.

I, along with millions of middle aged men around the country, were horrified to learn that Britney Spears had finally taken the oath of marriage. Twenty to fifty year old boys everywhere wept openly in the streets upon learning the sad, desperate truth: their lives are incredibly pathetic for thinking that there was some apocalyptic set of circumstances that would bring them together with Britney. Beyond that, Mrs. Spears' marriage is a sad event in its own right.

Fame, fortune, millions of devoted fans around the globe and she ties the knot on the Las Vegas strip at 5 am on a Saturday? Something tells me alcohol played some small role in the ceremony. And to think, it had always been my dream to be the lucky fella that would get her drunk and legally bound to me while she was under the influence of her own stupidity.

Don't get me wrong, I think its romantic to get married while surrounded by strippers and showgirls, with Pete Rose in the back yelling, "I've got 10 to 1 odds they last a week." I guess I just expected a little more class from the girl who made out with Madonna on live television. Well, one of the girls who made out with Madonna. Okay, one of the many girls who has made out with Madonna. Seriously, I've lost count.

Fortunately, adoring and Internet savvy fans had only to wait 12 hours for the pop princess to be single once again. Are you for real? I've had band-aids that have stuck longer than 12 hours. I also think this is the most unsettling aspect to the whole story. Its not that I mind the blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage so much as I’m pissed that I can't even drop a class at Drexel as fast as Britney dropped ex-husband #1. That's right, let's start the tally now.

Oh and did I point out that the lucky groom's name is Jason Alexander? Isn't that the guy that played George Costanza on Seinfeld? I know he dated some girls that were out of his league, but this is a little ridiculous. When asked to comment on the marriage, Alexander responded, "Look. I had a bad day, I wanted to get away for the weekend, yada, yada, yada, I had intercourse with Britney Spears. We got married, too. I think."

Apparently, she and this jackass were childhood friends from Louisiana. Who knows what their families are saying? I don't, but its fun to guess, isn't it? Most likely, Momma Spears is saying something to the effect of, "That's just ain't the way its done in Leeziana. It ain't proper unless Pappy's shotgun is pushing the groom up the aisle." To which Pappy Spears responds, "Naw, I'm just embarrassed. They ain't even cousins, sis."

Looking on the positive side of things, a tawdry little scenario like this can only help the girl-not-yet-a-women who tortured us with "Crossroads." I see a whole line of endorsement opportunities opening up for her as a result of this crazy marriage.

First off, an alcohol sponsorship deal has to be in the works by now. "Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum: if you're looking for love, the Captain will see you all the from the dance floor to the altar. Because by 5 am, you're going to need some help walking down that aisle."

And who better to sell cameras than a woman whose first marriage lasted less time than it takes to get a roll of film developed? I foresee Britney being the future spokesperson of single-use products everywhere. "For the night you'll never remember, get the new single-use Kodak SnapShot to save the memories for you. Disposable husbands will come and go, but disposable cameras last a vacation."

In closing, I have one thing I'd like to say to Britney: We all do things in life we're going to regret. The point is that we must learn from our mistakes so that we don't repeat them. Hopefully this experience has taught you that the next time you get married you had better get a receipt. After all, no receipt, no returns.

News in Review: joey Style

In case you've been buried by midterms, papers or alcohol, here is a quick breakdown of the big news stories you may have missed in the past month.

In international news, the Chinese government made headlines earlier this month by sending a man into space. More than forty years after the "Space Race" of the 1960s, the late entry of the Chinese into space surprised few, given the fact that the Chinese are known for being so bad at math. When asked to comment on the challenge of the project, twelve year old flight director Chin Siu-Ming answered, "Mom said I needed an after school activity to get into a good college, so I figured I would do it." His answer was given in perfect English, by the way.

On the local scene, a scandal erupted when Philadelphia Mayor John Street's office was found to be bugged. The federal government denied any involvement, but did show up at City Hall the next day to confiscate his computer. While carrying the hardware out of the office, agents were asked the nature of their investigation of the mayor.

"We did not bug his office. We are not confiscating his computer. We're not even in this room. That's just what the Matrix is telling you. Hey! Look over there." The agents then disappeared, leaving behind a smoke outline of their bodies and a "Zing!" sound effect.

In entertainment, MTV's latest reality incarnation, Newlyweds, is the biggest television hit of the season. The show teaches the network's prepubescent audience the harsh realities of married life: living in a huge mansion, dealing with thousands of adoring fans and throwing tantrums when your new hubby goes to the playboy mansion.

Also, this sneak peak into the life of the beautiful, the rich and the famous has confirmed our suspicions about the demands of celebrity: you have to be completely retarded. It's simply frightening that a woman so perplexed by the "chicken of the sea" brand of tuna fish is worth more than the Gross National Product of Guam.

In national news, the suspect accused of carrying out the sniper attacks that took place around the Washington, D.C. area last fall has elected to defend himself in his criminal trial. Legal analysts recommend that he advise his client to plead permanent stupidity.

On the surface, it would appear that nothing out of the ordinary is going on in our country. In baseball, both the Cubs and Red Sox continued their near-century-long tradition of watching the World Series from home. Just last week, the U.S. Congress passed a motion to give themselves raises without any say on behalf of the people they supposedly represent. And our president continues to withhold important documents despite the demands of a governmental investigatory commission.

However, a closer inspection reveals that something sinister is afoot. Earlier this month, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggar was promoted from action star to governor of the state of California. His state is currently suffering from raging wild fires that are crisscrossing the west coast. The sun is exhibiting one of the most violent solar storms in known history, apparently rearing for a surprise attack against our planet.

Let's see: rivers of fire spewing forth from the earth, the sun falling from the sky, the Yankees losing the World Series in Yankee Stadium: I'd say we're looking at the dawn of the apocalypse.

I started to grow suspicious that the devil was up to something crafty when both the Cubs and Red Sox made it within one game of the World Series in the same year, but that whole Arnold thing gives it away. Seriously, with the worldwide outbreak of war, the rampant flooding; I watch the news these days with a copy of the Book of Revelations and a pencil, just checking things off: "Got it, got it, need it, got it, got it, got it, need it, got it..."

I'd ask when the four horsemen are going to show up, but my latest viewing of Newlyweds has informed me that a 98 Degrees reunion is already in the works.