Why Alcohol and the Ocean are a Great Combo

EMBARKATION
==============
The minute I stepped on the ship, I saw smiling faces all around me. Everyone was so friendly, considerate and just happy to be alive. It was unfamiliar territory for me.

On this trip, I was joined by quite the cast of characters:

• Sarah, aka "The Potty Mouth"
• Allison, aka "Fluffy"
• Chris, aka "El Presidente"
• Jewel, aka "My Name is Not Julie"
• Dana, aka "Snotty" (the only girl who gets a cold in the Caribbean)

We arrived charged and ready for a good time. I stopped the first waiter carrying a tray full of mega-pink-drinks. We ordered drink after drink after drink. When we could drink no more, we staggered up to the deck to toast the open sea. Unfortunately, the boat was still at port:

"What the hell is that? There's a city out there!"
"That's Tampa."
"Tampa? We're back? The cruise is already over?"
"No. I don't think it's started yet."
"What the fuck are we still doing in Tampa?"

Many people go on cruises looking for love. I know exactly what I want in a woman, but unfortunately Carmen Electra's breasts were not in attendance. So I was forced to find solace in drunken, naive, hot, college girls. And yes, those last five words happen to be my five favorite. God bless Spring Break.

Speaking of the Lord, this trip gave me a spiritual awakening. Easter marks Jesus' dying for our sins, right? And to prepare for this hallowed occassion, we have Mardi Gras and Spring Break -- two events celebrated with drunkenness, fornication and every kind of naughty sinnery your dirty little mind can imagine. I guess we're just making sure he didn't sacrifice himself for nothing.

While sitting at the bar, I overheard one guy putting on his best moves.

Dude: Tiger Woods touched me. No lie.
Dame: What?
Dude: For real. Shook. My. Hand. It was on the 13th fairway. I was leaning over the rope and like 'Tiger! Yo! Tiger!' And he grabbed my hand. For like a full second.
Dame: Okay... that's different.

I'm not sure what he was going for. But he bought the girl a drink, so technically she still had to put out.

Quick tip for the next time you go on a drinking binge with yours truly: an easy way to gauge joey's level of drunkenness is to notice how frequently he refers to himself in the third person. I mean, refer to myself. To be honest, I'm a little buzzed right now.

Of course, the trip was not without controversy. The ship held a free liquor tasting. I wasn't looking for trouble but maybe I shouldn't have showed up with a bottle of Miller Lite in hand.

Me: Hi. I'd like to try the Courvoisier, please.
German Waiter: ID please, sir.
Me: Oh. Shoot. I left it back in my room.
GW: I am sorry, sir. I cannot serve you.
Me: Really? Oh well. I understand.
GW: Sir! Please! It is ze rules. I cannot help you.
By this point, I had already stepped aside and allowed the line to move ahead.
Me: I hear ya. It's cool.
GW: There is nussing I can do!! You cannot have anything!!
As I exited the room, I could still hear him pleading for my cooperation...
GW: Security! 'e 'az become belligerent! 'elp!

On second thought, he may have been French.

---

CAYMEN ISLANDS
==============
The Cayman Islands offered dozens of activities. Our group elected to swim with the stingrays. If you're wondering "Isn't that the animal that killed animal expert Steve Irwin?", then you are not only correct but you are also a decent trivia whiz. Get a girlfriend.
We left the cruise and got on a ferry, which took us to a bus, which then took us to a smaller boat, which we rode to Stingray City. I was amazed to see the sandbar occupied by over 300 people. Apparently, I wasn't the only one to jump at the chance to pay $70 to play with an animal that killed a man called The Crocodile Hunter.

As you may recall, the last time I went on a cruise, I had a romantic encounter with another sea creature. Yes, it was quite disturbing. Still, I had hoped to continue the trend on our stingray adventure. But it was not to be. Those things are fucking creepy. I touched one. It felt like a tongue the size of a beach towel. Oh, and they can kill you.

UPDATE: 3/20/2008: Woman dies after ray strikes her
That's fucking marvelous.

yes, even hell has a gift shop

---

COZUMEL
==============
Not surprisingly, the Mexican natives took right to me. Everywhere I went, they called me "Los Pantolones Locos." I think that translates to "Sexy Pants."

Cozumel was nice because it allowed us to get away from the loud, drunken chaos of the ship. We decided to go to Señor Frogs, where the waitresses pour shots in your mouth, violently shake your head and rub your nipples. All for only $3.50. Pretty good deal.

But probably the most amusing part of the trip was when we tried to figure out when the shops closed for that most genius of inventions, the siesta.

Sarah: Excuse me, what time is your siesta?
Señor: Pardon me, Miss?
Sarah: Siesta. What time does that happen?
Señor: Siesta? I am sorry. I do not understand, Señorita.
Sarah: Siesta. It's when you take a small break or a nap in the middle of the day... all the stores close...
Joe: Sarah, he's Mexican. And you're telling him what "siesta" means. I'm guessing they don't do that here. That might be Spain.

I have to give credit to the girl for trying to explain the meaning of a Spanish word to someone whose first language is Spanish. And they call Americans silly.

---

DEBARKATION
==============
On the last night of the cruise, I spent some time in the casino, because I don't like to have money. That's when I heard the last thing I could have expected:
"E! A! G! L! E! S! EAGLES!"

That's right, the Philadephia Eagles chant.

I envied the Philly pride of these guys. Cheering their gambling victory with a hometown chant. I smiled when they repeated it. Then they did it again. And again. And again. I couldn't believe they were winning so much. I had to get in on this action.

I wandered over to the roulette table where they were standing. But they weren't betting. They weren't even cheering on a friend. They just shouted the same chant whenever the wheel stopped spinning. So that's what we Philly fans look like. It was like an out of body experience. Is it wrong that I still wanted to join them? Is it wrong that I did? As they say, When in Rome....

---

QUOTE LIST
===========

• "Let us toast: to not being sober."
• "Oysters are gross. They remind me of sweaty balls."
• "Wow, you put that drink down fast. I wish I could suck that hard."
• "Oh hey, Joe. I didn't expect you until later." -- "Oh I always come early."
• "Joe! Back in the closet! Now!"
• "Fuck off, Joe."

The `Who ARE You?` Hookup

I was pretty drunk by the time we got to the house party. Correction: I was pretty drunk by the time we got to the 3rd house party of the night. I had done more than my share of beer-ponging, flip-cupping, keg-standing and 'seriously this is the last one'-ing. But I swear: I wasn't that drunk.

We entered a house we'd never been in through the kitchen at around 1am - an act that can only be pulled off as long as the house inhabitants are more drunk than yourself. About fourteen people we had never seen before huddled around a flowing beer keg as if it were a campfire in the dead of winter. Another spent keg sat unattended in the corner. The drops of condensation on its body looked more like tears of neglect.

We spent the next two hours doing most of the things you do when you don't know anyone at a party. We clung together and made fun of everyone else in the room. We made fun of people we knew but weren't there. We let pretty girls go ahead of us in bathroom and keg lines, certain that our acts of chivalry would pay off. How original.

Normally, I would feel guilty about my slacking effort to meet people. But this wasn't my school. It was just a weekend visit to see some old buddies. I'd be gone by lunchtime the next day and would never see any of these people again. I was free to make a fool. Tell unfunny jokes. Get as drunk as I please. You know, like a typical Monday morning at work.

The expected events of the night took a turn when a cute blond in a pink polo shirt came up to talk to me.

"Hey."

"Well, hey!" So far, so good - minus the upturned collar of her shirt. But we all have flaws. I'm proud that I could look past that. Well, not past. Just a few inches south.

"Umm... Jodi wants to talk to you. She's out on the porch."

I had no idea who Jodi was or why she would want to talk to me. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever met anyone named Jodi before.

"Huh?"

"Jodi told me to come get you. Go to the front porch."

Despite my utter confusion, I wasn't about to question being sent to a girl requesting my attendance.

I made my way through the living room to the front door, expertly navigating a floor covered in bodies passed out, making out and smoking up. I opened the extra-wide door and peered outside.

I boldly stepped out, my feet quickly landing on cement and without thinking I closed the door behind me. Mom would have been so proud. However, my confusion only grew as there was no light to help make sense of who or what awaited me. I could see no more than a faint outline of a person sitting on the porch swing some 15 feet away. Or was it a lamp sitting on top of an old speaker?

"Hey you. Come on over."

As I sat down, I couldn't see past my nose into the chilly November night. Twelve inches away, I couldn't even tell if this girl actually had a face.

And that's when it started. It just came out - like a confession that had just broken free of immense pressure to hold it within. Rapid. No order. No sense.

"Look... I like you. And I really, really want to kiss you. And I really had fun with you tonight. It's just..."

As soon as I heard her voice, I was certain: I had never spoken to this girl before in my life.

"... hold on. Let me just get my thoughts together." Uh. Me too, honey.

It was then a few partygoers spilled out of the front door and a small beam of light shown on to her face. Yup. Total stranger. But my back was to the door, so my face was still a mystery to her. The backlighting effect really seemed to further the mysterious air I was unknowingly casting. And didn't she say something about kissing? Let's get back to that.

"Okay. It's just that I just got out of a really long relationship - like I told you. And my head is still spinning. It's been so hard. Like crazy. I just can't get my heart broken again, you know? And then he showed up tonight and it was so awkward. I mean, is it a crime to have fun? I just don't think I'm ready... for anything. It's too much right now. I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad at me."

Maybe it was her sincerity. Maybe it was the shock of it all. Nah. It was the booze. I was completely lost and my brain stuck on one word: more beer.

At that moment, my friends called out to me from the street. Over the sound of a running car engine I heard them yell, "Come on, man! We gotta go!!"

"Umm... we... gotta go. Bye?"

I stepped off the porch and moved towards the car, a Pink Floyd song screaming out the windows. Her immediate silence suggested that she was just as confused as me. A yard shy of the sidewalk, I heard a shout from behind.

"Wait!"

She ran off the porch and stopped in front of me, pointing her head to the ground just as I turned to face her.

"I know I'd hate myself and always wonder if I didn't do this."

She closed her eyes as she looked up and leaned towards me. Gently resting her hands on my chest, she stood up on her toes and kissed me. This was, of course, received with raucous cheers from my awaiting comrades.

After a few moments, she pulled away and made a little laugh; at once embarrassed, yet proud of our observed performance.

Ditto.

"Well, I'll see you. Soon I hope?"

"Umm... right. Take care?"

"Byee."

Even through the pitch dark, I could sense a wide grin on her face. I got in the car to the expected teasing of my buddies.

"Duuuuude! You work pretty quick in foreign territory! Who was that?"

"I... have... nofreakingcluewhothatwas. So where's the next party?"

Debauchery on the High Seas

If you've never been on a cruise before, here is the simplest way I can summarize it for you:

• everyone is your new best friend
• constant drunkenness
• partial nudity is expected
• at the beginning they just give you a little plastic card and say, "Use this for money. We'll worry about who is going to pay for it later."

It was exactly like college.

As for the company I was with on my journey, I found myself with one acquaintance and eight strangers for the duration of the cruise. It was a complete random assortment of characters and yet it was somehow a recipe for some of the funniest, most outrageous and raunchiest fun I've ever had. Here are some of the highlights...

Throughout the course of the trip, our friend Matt was granted sexual immunity simply on the basis of being gay. This allowed him to touch any one's anything under the justification that "It's okay. He's gay."

On an unrelated note, I learned a new word. Apparently, the word "twink" means an attractive young man targeted by older gay men. For some reason, I heard that word used a lot.

MON
Within 2 hours of the cruise beginning, we met a nice older woman named Kathy, who was kind enough to lend her daughter Christy to us for the duration of the trip. We adopted her as our own and affectionately renamed her Princess. Even after we were shown her license, passport and birth certificate we were still convinced that she was no older than 17 years old. At an apparent 22, she was the youngest member in our troupe yet still outdrank and outlasted us each and every night. I now call her "The Rock Star."

The first day of our cruise was marred by news of the passing of a beloved pop culture icon, Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. I was able to find a didgeridoo to play a moving rendition of Amazing Grace. My initial sympathies later turned to resentment as his tragic death inspired alcoholic toasts every 10 minutes or so. Don't judge me. You try drinking every time someone says, "Crikey!" and see how you feel the next day. I vaguely recall taking off my pants during the classy, sit down dinner. At 6pm.

It was at this dinner that my new friend Katie shouted, "Where's ma boooooze?" as if she had just checked out of the Betty Ford Clinic. For the remainder of our trip, her hand was never free of alcohol. I noticed that whenever her drinks were close to empty, some body part of hers would "accidentally" fall out and at least two of us guys would run off to fetch her a refill. I like her style.

Later in the night, we passed a unisex bathroom and someone cleverly called it the "U and I sex room." This joke would be repeated for the remainder of the trip as there were several multi-person excursions for some "U and I sex" in said public restrooms. You'd think it would get old but it actually doesn't - as long as you're drunk, horny and me. I guess that's sort of redundant. Twice.

TUE
We spent most of the day at the onboard art auction... heckling the auctioneer. Why? Was it because she was poor at her job? Was it because the art sucked? Both were true, but we had a better reason. In fact, a GREAT reason. Unlimited. Free. Champagne. No explanation necessary. I think my favorite piece was Mother and Child Sitting on the Beach While Dad Runs to the Car and Never Comes Back Again.

Later, it was formal night. Tonight proved that you can dress it up, but it will still get silly drunk and make a mess. We attended multiple happy hours. "Every hour is a happy hour" was our slogan for the night. This was also the night we encountered our heroes for the trip. Amongst a sea of formally attired individuals strolled a couple who looked as if they had just come from the NASCAR Hall of Fame. The woman held in her hand a gallon sized mug of some alcoholic beverage (moonshine?), topped with a penis-shaped straw. We dubbed her Cockstraw and she was never far from our thoughts.

I know at one point that we ended up in the Karoake room. I don't recall it, but there is photographic evidence of me stripping off my shirt and simply rocking a tie bare chested while TJ, David and Paula performed.

At some point during the night, we met a man named Jimbo. Everyone on the boat knows Jimbo. He looks like Jimmy Buffet at age 178. He was our entertainment. He was our mentor. He was our friend. He was also the guy passing out penis shaped straws. Good man. My only complaint is that we had to reintroduce ourselves to him and become reacquainted every day. It was like Groundhog's Day.

WED The cruise stopped into Key West from 9am to 3pm. Our group decided it was the perfect time of day for a pub crawl. Amazingly, it ended up being one of the best times of the trip. I wouldn't know. I didn't make it off the boat for Key West. My memories of the island consist mostly of paying for the previous night's sins by hugging the toilet bowl. Needless to say, I hate Key West. Damn you, Steve Irwin.

I'm told the highlight of the pub crawl was TJ's record-setting 4 lap dances given to middle aged women. Actually, I'm not sure if they can still be considered lap dances if they are not requested, not paid for and result in some sort of legal action.

THUR
Through strong determination the night before, I managed to stay sober enough to make it to see Nassau the next day. We had a great time swimming with the dolphins, despite the fact that the trainers were uncomfortable with how close I became with Goomba, our playful marine mammal. When I picked up my picture in the gift shop, the clerk gave a nervous laughter as he told me my picture would be hung up and I would be denied future attendance.

I also learned important survival lessons. For example, if someone in your party gets stung by a jellyfish on his privates, it is okay to pee on his junk. If he is so drunk that you are able to falsely convince him that his genitals were stung by a jellyfish, you must pee on him.

Thursday night probably provided the most raucous and out of control events of the trip. The word "understatement" has now been redefined. You'll understand this if you ever find yourself saying, "Señor Frogs. That place sounds fun." We went from 0 to drunk in about 7 minutes.

Imagine a constant stream of free shots being poured into your mouth while touring the pub via conga line. Kickass old school music. And tribal, island-style fun where anything goes.

We're talking 62-year old playboy bunnies. Richard Hatch look-a-likes. Mixed drinks served in glasses 3 feet long. Did I mention the conga lines of free shots?

Since the cruise was leaving the Bahamas at 10pm, we were forced to cut our fun short as we drunkenly raced back at 9:45. Fortunately, as soon as we were on the boat again, we were able to answer the age old question: "How many drunken assholes can you fit on an elevator?" In case you were wondering, the answer is always "too many."

Not surprisingly, upon returning to the ship, I stripped down to my underwear and ran around the ship - so everyone would know that we were back. I remember being tackled and prodded but I also remember tipping whoever did it. Paula, was that you?

FRI
Friday... Friday... It sounds familiar but I can't quite place the name.

SAT
We disembarked around 10am and headed for home. Somewhere near the Georgia border, Matt realized that he had left a bag of duty free Vodka and his passport at the curb back in Jacksonville. I'm not sure which he was more worried about losing.

After reclaiming Matt's right to travel and drink without paying taxes, we were on our way home in his brand new hybrid, a blueish, purpleish Toyota Prius. I did tell you Matt was a liberal hippie gay, didn't I? As we ran out of gas somewhere along I-95 in South Carolina, I am pretty sure that oil executives everywhere got an erection.

I was dropped off in Raleigh around 8pm and was fast asleep by 8:15. I didn't wake up until 4pm Sunday.

QUOTE LIST

• "So the first stop is in Key West? Let me get this straight, you took a cruise... to America? Way to go. I live in Lauderdale, I can drive there in, like, 3 hours."
• "I did THAT?!"
  --- NOTE: digital cameras are GREAT for blackmail
• "If it really hurts that bad, you should just let Bo pee on it."
• "Oh don't worry about him. He's gay. He's just being friendly."
• "I don't even KNOW these assholes!"

my new favorite assholes