The Great Date Experiment - The End / Random Quotes

And so we come to the final entry in this series. I thought I would end it by sharing some of the more bizarre quotes I've heard during this little experiment. Mostly because I'm lazy and couldn't figure out a way to stretch them into full length posts. Yes, I'm quite the catch.

These are all excerpts from some of my recent dates. Quotes are always funnier when taken out of context. In the following cases, there was no context. They came out of nowhere and I still question the reality that would cause words to be uttered in this order.

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• "I try to do background checks on all the guys I meet. It's one of the perks of being a cop. Did you used to have a different name or something?"

• "I know I said we'd hang out tonight but I just realized that I'm going to be really busy this semester. So, thanks anyway. Yeah..."

• "You really shouldn't refer to us as 'girls'. It's condescending. We're mature adults, not little children. I think I've earned more respect than that."
      — Woman #1

• "Oh, don't call me a 'woman'! It makes me sound so OLD!!"
      — Woman #2
      — Girl B
      — a different female person

• "I didn't think it was a big deal that he asked for a picture with my resume. But during the interview he said I might have to, like, take care of him if he got drunk at the events, get him a hotel room. And he basically wanted me to... do stuff. Like... sexually or whatever. That's probably the last time I'll look for a job on Craigslist. Lesson learned."

• "Think about it. You're 4 years old and your 18 year old brother is jerking off in the next room."

The Great Date Experiment - A New Dysfunction

Oh Erica.

Like many of my strongest relationships, we bonded over discussing awkward encounters we'd had during the day for insight on whether we acted in accordance with social norms. But somehow the cathartic venting would always turn into an intense make-out session. Upon brief analysis, it's slightly bizarre. But with the proper marketing spin, I can simply label the experience as my brief foray into "neurotica." It's probably just a phase.

On second thought, the word neurotica sounds a little creepy (not that I'm any less proud). But it gives the impression that I routinely quote Richard Lewis during sex. So... if you're into that sort of thing... call me.

The Great Date Experiment - Ulterior Motives

My friends have often called me "cynical" or "pessimistic." But that's only because everyone is always out to get you all the time. Oh yeah - they also say I'm "paranoid."

But sometimes even I can make lemonade. When the whole serial dating process started to seem fruitless, I kept at it. If I couldn't find love, there were other benefits to enjoy. No, not those benefits. I'm talking about more practical stuff.

It's no coincidence that when I started thinking about buying a house, I was going on a lot of dates with realtors, brokers, loan officers and and women who worked at credit bureaus.

One time I went out with a doctor. I made up some anecdotes to disguise my true intentions...

"A good friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend. So we took him out to cheer him up. He ends up going home with some girl and the next day finds out they have the same last name! It was hysterical! And when he told us about it, he was so nervous and he kept having heart palpitations, clammy hands, shortness of breath. He's also been having trouble staying asleep at night and focusing at work. Do you think he needs more Potassium in his diet? What does Riboflavin do?"

The Great Date Experiment - High Standards

I'm not sure why, but friends become fascinated with your dating life the minute they find out you're in the online dating racket. Especially the married friends. So get used to all of your friends circling round, eager with curiosity and questions every time you see them. In my experience, the conversations usually ends with someone declaring one of the following:

1. "Don't worry man. She sounds like a bitch. Not worth it."
2. "Your standards are way too high."

The following conversation actually could have elicited either response. I'll leave it up to you as a kind of Choose Your Own Adventure

Friend: "What happened to that one girl? I thought things were going well.
Joe: We disagreed on some key issues.
Friend: Ninjas vs Pirates?
Joe: I just can't be with someone who doesn't respect the awesome power of ninjas.

The Great Date Experiment - Not A Compliment

Sometimes, a woman just knows how to cut to the core of you.

Gina: This is good wine. Actually, you're a lot like wine.
Joe: Because I'm sweet and one serving a day is good for you?
Gina: No. I was thinking more like... a little bitter... takes a while to get used to... and too much gives me a headache.
Joe: I think I love you.

The Great Date Experiment - Mistaken Identity

The first time we went out, it was over in less than an hour. So I was surprised when she texted me later that night, seemingly eager to go out for a second date.

Since she seemed pretty distant and uninterested the first time we met, I really wasn't sure what to expect.

Missy: Oh. Hey... you? What are you doing here?
Joe: Um... For us to hang out? Dinner?
Missy: Oh Shit. Wrong Joe. I totally meant to text muscle guy Joe. I met up with him after you and I had drinks last week.
Joe: Ooooookay...
Missy: So... I guess he's not coming, huh?
Joe: Probably not.

The Great Date Experiment - Early Termination

ring.... ring...

Billie Jean: Oh hey! What's up?
Joe: Oh not much...
Billie Jean: So, are we hanging out this weekend?
Joe: Um... yeah. No. I'm calling to let you know that I don't think it's going to work out. Like, us hanging out and stuff.
Billie Jean: What.
Joe: Well... you know. I had a good time and stuff but I just don't think... you know.
Billie Jean: Why would you call me to tell me that?
Joe: I mean... You kept texting me about when we would hang out next so I thought I would be honest and upfront.
Billie Jean: No. You just went out of your way to make me feel shitty. Why couldn't you just ignore me like a normal person?
Joe: Uh-huh.... Well, we've hung out like 5 or 6 times—
Billie Jean: — Actually, it was 9. Plus the time you called me crying from the airport when your car broke down and I left my friend's birthday party to pick you up. That would make 10.
Joe: Ten. Right. So. I was thinking that this would be the right thing to do - or something.
Billie Jean: Whatever. It's your loss. Cause... I give great blowjobs.
Joe: Okay. So... that's really something that should have been brought up when we first met. Because now I feel like I wasn't able to make an informed decision with all the, like, information. But really, I guess it kinda doesn't matter because I'm sure you've been told you give good blowjobs a lot of times but the truth is all that guys say that after every time they get a blowjob as sort of an encouragement. Like, to make sure girls keep giving blowjobs. It's not like an organized agreement. We just all know to do it.
Billie Jean: ...
Joe: Okay. Right. So I'm guessing you hung up. The thing is that cellphones don't make that click noise, you know? So it's not really as dramatic. It's just... ambiguous. But... I'm gonna go now.

The Great Date Experiment - Taking a Dive

At some point during a blind date, both parties will silently decide whether or not they ever want to see the other person again. But this is not a dating game show, there is no giant red button marked "Next!", nor is it socially acceptable to get up and walk away in the middle of conversation. So one must see the encounter through to its conclusion.

In order to accelerate toward that conclusion and bring the date to its merciful end, one must sometimes resort to what I call "taking a dive." That is, intentionally saying or doing things that will make the other person feel the same driving desire to evacuate as soon as possible.

First, start with body language. Do not make eye contact. Don't listen when the other person is talking. Occasionally interrupting them works, too. The truly brave are welcome to attempt faking Tourette's.

Eva: ... and we came in 6th place in the entire state of Montana so we almost nearly practically won the championship but then I didn't really have the time to play it as a college sport since I didn't want to go to school. But I just like talking to people and listening so that's how I got into dental hygiene. How about you?
Joe: Huh? Oh yeah. So... um. Did you play any sports growing up?
Eva: I just told you - oh! I get it. Haha! You're funny.

Damn. My charm is so potent even I can't turn it off. Phase 2: politics.

Joe: I'll tell ya - this Obama guy is really messing things up. I don't give a shit about poor people or anyone who can't afford health insurance. Survival of the fittest, right?
Eva: Wow.
Joe: I'm just saying - I was perfectly fine with another 8 years of Bush, Jr. Now there is a smart cookie.
Eva: You... are... so... right! Can I just say? I LOVE the Bush family. They're just good people, you know?
Joe: Uhh... yeah...

So that's how you want to do this? Fine.

Joe: ... totally. I mean, so what if they had some Nazi ties? Lots of people did. And not for nothing, but say what you want about Hitler, the guy knew how to hold a room. Just a hell of a public speaker.
Eva: See? That's what I've been saying. I know he was evil and Satan incarnate and whatnot. But it takes more than one guy to kill 6 million people. If no one had listened to him, he just would have been some crazy asshole on the street. But no, there were thousands of people who heard his bullshit and were like, "Yeah. That sounds alright to me." That's the really scary part.

Shit. She's right. This dame is starting to get pretty interesting. Let's focus. We're moving to Phase 3: offend.

Joe: Nancy Grace is a loudmouth ass.
Eva: I once saw her in an airport. I wanted to spit on her.

I have no choice but to proceed to Phase 4: insult and bore. Simultaneously.

Joe: So I know chicks like to read about celebrities or whatever but I gotta tell you about this video game I was playing the other day.
Eva: XBox or PS3?
Joe: Umm, PS3.
Eva: Awesome. Me too. Okay, shoot.
Joe: Right. Uh, so I was playing Madden - its a football game - with a buddy of mine and it was a pretty tight match-up. I was the '04 Eagles and he was the Patriots.
Eva: Super Bowl 39. Very nice. I hope you didn't keep McNabb in the pocket and you let him scramble like hell.
Joe: Exactly! He was so fast back then. It's just ridiculous that he was so paranoid about being labled a "passing quarterback." Who cares? Pay me millions of dollars to play a sport and you can label me whatever the hell you want!
Eva: Absolutely. That would have been an entirely different game if the Pats were forced to sit back and keep an eye on him.

Okay. So maybe I was wrong to try for a premature evacuation. I think we can give this another shot.

Joe: So I was thinking, we should get together some time this weekend.
Eva: Nah. I don't think it's going to work out. But it was nice meeting you.

In hindsight, I realize that the mature thing to do in this situation would have been to be honest. But clearly "mature" is not my default setting because otherwise I would have an easier time finding a girlfriend.

Recap: I tried to fail, but I was unsuccessful. So I gave up and tried to succeed, which I also failed at. And that's how you get a negative batting average.

The Great Date Experiment - The Trick Question

"So... are you looking for a serious relationship or just trying to have some fun?"

Shit. Point of no return. The honest answer is "Yes." My experience is that one will inevitably lead to the other. But what is the right answer today? She didn't seem too judgmental on the sleeping around option. But the word "just" is a little dismissive. Let's try ambiguity.

"Look, I can tell by now that we're both looking for the same thing."

"Well that's a relief."

Okay... so what did I just agree to?

It turns out she is looking for a spiritual equal ready to populate the earth as if the Great Flood just happened. "One child every 15 months and no less than 7 total - because 7 is a holy number. I just don't see the point in having sex for anything other than procreation. That's disrespectful to God."

So I was right. She was looking for both a serious relationship AND sex on a regular basis. But I failed to take into account the motivation and frequency. In this case, all Dealbreaker thresholds have been exceeded. Abort mission. Return to base.

"Check please. Separate".

The Great Date Experiment - The Distraction

There are so many variables that play into how a date will turn out. It's even harder when other people interfere.

Throughout the dinner, I noticed a very attractive girl from another table. She was constantly staring at me and whispering to her friends. She was gorgeous, which it made it pretty difficult to focus on my date.

Later in the evening, I excused myself to use the restroom and as I got up noticed that my voyeurous vixen got up as well - her eyes fixed on me. I tensed. She caught up to me as soon as I rounded the corner. She put her hand on my shoulder. Why doesn't this sort of thing happen when I'm out with friends so I can actually brag about it?

Bashfully, she asked, "Hey. Umm... This is kind of embarrassing, but... are you on a date with that girl?"

I quickly gauged whether my date would notice if I spent the rest of the night at a different table. "Well... yeah. I am. Why, are you interested?" If I could pull this off, even Seinfield would have to admire a Switch of this magnitude.

"Ha! Yeah. No. I have a boyfriend. Me and my friends have a bet."

"You're friends had a bet on whether a guy and a girl out to dinner were on a date? That sounds like a pretty lame bet."

"Oh no. The bet was which website you met on. My friend thinks it was one of those sex buddy sites. I say it was that Apple dating site for dorks."

"Actually it was Match. And I hope your boyfriend suffocates on your large breasts."

The Great Date Experiment - "What Else?"

Elsa wasn't very good at conversation. Not that she was shy or quiet or reserved. She was actually pretty interesting. But I felt like I wasn't part of the conversation. She never asked me about myself or gave me a chance to respond to what she'd said. Whenever she was done talking she would immediately say, "What else?"

About 20 minutes in, she asks me, "Do you have any plans tonight?"

"Tonight? Other than the date we are currently on? No."

"Do you want to go back to my place and mess around now?"

"Uhh... What? I mean. Yeah. Yes. But... Huh? Is this a trick question? I'm confused. I feel like I'm being set up. Are you with one of those 'Catch a Predator' shows?"

The truth is, I'm a gentleman and not the kind of guy to have sex with a woman 20 minutes after meeting her. Fortunately, her house was 10 minutes away.

The Great Date Experiment - The Handoff

First dates are awkward by definition. But there are always a few surprises along the way...

Girl: "... That is so funny. My friend Janice loves weird stuff like that. You two would totally get along. I should give you her number."

Wait. Is this girl setting me up with her friend? At the start of the night I would have said that the worst thing that could happen on a first date is that it wouldn't work out. But now I know. The worst thing that can come from a first date... is another first date.

Oh, and in case your wondering, Janice lives in Michigan and is "not really looking to date right now," but she's flattered* and thanks for asking.

------DATING DEFINITIONS----------
*flattered - girl code for "haha! seriously?"

The Great Date Experiment - The Redirect

Making plans can be frustrating and confusing. Especially when someone initiates with an effortless "Wanna hang?" and then redirects every decision back to me so I end up making all the plans. That's supposed to be my trick!

The following conversation took place via text message. As always, the part of Clueless Male will be played by yours truly.

Girl: Hey. Want to get together this weekend?
Joe: Sure. What did you have in mind?
Girl: Not sure. What do you want to do?
Joe: Dinner?
Girl. Sure. What kind?
Joe: How about Sushi?
Girl: I love Sushi! Where?
Joe: Shiki Sushi is really good.
Girl: I love it there! But I want to get out of Durham. Someplace else.
Joe: Okay. There's Sushi Blues downtown.
Girl: Not really in a downtown mood.
Joe: The only other Sushi place I know is Tasu.
Girl: Perfect. That's where I wanted to go. But I always get lost over there. Can we meet up somewhere so I can follow you?
Joe: Sure. No problem.
Girl: Where should we meet?
Joe: Do you know where the Ale House is?
Girl: Oh yeah. That sounds good. Which night.
Joe: How about Saturday?
Girl: Great. What time.
Joe: 7?
Girl: Darn. Can't make it. Maybe another time. Have a good weekend!

I especially liked where she stopped using question marks so her requests turned into demands.

The Great Date Experiment - No Answer

Online dating has confusion built in to the process. You contact someone. She writes back. You write back. You never hear from her again. Was it something I said? Is she on vacation? Did she witness an especially heinous crime and is now in the witness relocation program? I usually assume that one.

I'd gone back and forth about 5 times with one girl and things were progressing pretty well. And then, the eerie silence. It had been over a week since I'd gotten a response. That's usually not a big deal except that this girl tended to reply within hours of every message I'd sent. I couldn't understand. Where did I go wrong? I went back to review what I had written. I can't be sure, but I think I pinpointed what it was that cooled her off.

When trying to describe my ability to take a joke or even laugh at my own mistakes, I accidentally typed: "I'm not afraid of a little self defecation. Actually, I'm really good at it ;-)"

Funking spell checker.

The Great Date Experiment - Too Late For Indecision

If you've never done online dating - even if you're currently seeing someone - I suggest signing up. The website itself provides plenty of entertainment without ever going on a single date.

Here is an excerpt from an actual profile:

Married: No
Have kids: Yes, they live at home.
Want kids: Not sure

Isn't it a little late to still be indecisive about that?

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Here is one of the emails I received. It terrifies me. Just reading it makes me feel like an accessory to gang-related crime. And grammar homicide.

funniest thing ive ever seen was last wknd. 4 girls outside their car shoes off and when we stopped to chat they said " r u ready to see a murder up in here cause we about to beat the living shit out of this girl" lol.