Corporate Greed

The number of billion-dollar corporate mergers - which have practically become a daily occurrence - has always troubled me. I've often joked that in fifteen years, there will simply be 2 companies owning a piece of every dollar you spend. Most likely, these companies will be Wal-Mart and Phillip Morris.

Pepsi, for example, owns Frito-Lay, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and KFC, among many other blue-collar foodstuff manufacturers. When you throw your 12-year old son a birthday party, just about every dollar is going to PepsiCo. - unless you go with a non-union stripper.

Ted Turner owns the Atlanta Braves. CNN and TBS. That's right; one man controls a piece of America's pastime, America's most powerful news outlet and endless reruns of B movies like Rocky, Goonies and Rocky III.

Yet one of the corporations I'm most fearful of is that of BIC. This company deals in the seemingly unrelated markets of pens, cigarette lighters and disposable shaving razors. This product line may not trouble you, but it downright terrifies me.

Sure; it seems harmless. Pepsi makes billions off of stuffing unhealthy, yet delicious fast food and refreshing beverages down our throats. But at least we're aware of the evil. The BIC corporation is much more sinister. By capitalizing on the pen and lighter markets, BIC has virtually taken control of mankind's most important discoveries. They not only control fire but they somehow managed to corner written communication. What diabolical plans the evil geniuses at BIC have, I cannot fathom. But it can't be good.

Bush, Outkast Declare War on Iraq

The entire world finds itself divided over the current war between the United States and Iraq. One cannot help but to wonder why this fruitless bloodshed has come to be. Some blame Imperialistic motives concerning oil. This motive is easily proved incorrect though. Primarily because the Iraqis have no need for American oil. Besides, the United States doesn't even have that much oil to begin with, so why wouldn't Iraq attempt to war with a more oil rich nation, such as Saudi Arabia?

Instead, the blame for this entire conflict should be laid squarely at the feet of Outkast and their war cry of a song, 'Bombs Over Baghdad." Just months ago, we lived in a world where there was absolutely no notion of a possible war with Iraq. That is, not until one group's jingle of bloody violence and rhythmic beats planted the idea of an Iraqi war in our President's head. Mr. Bush can not be blamed for his musical tastes, nor can he be blamed for the actions those tastes may lead him to take. Let's face it: he can't be blamed or credited with most of his decisions.

Fact: Before the song's release, there was no serious violence in any Mid East nation. Fact: Before the war started, Iraq reported a 0% violence rating. Now, explosions and gunfire are common ground on the platinum-lined streets of Iraq. Coincidence? I think not.

When asked to defend their actions, the authors of this song feebly attempted to dodge their responsibilities for the bloodshed with claims of 'that war we fought with them ten years ago" and 'the fact that their leader is an evil bastard." As of the printing of this publication, no evidence was found to support such outrageous claims. There has been absolutely no congressional declaration of war since War World II. Therefore, the United States has not been involved in any wars since that conflict. Also, Outkast's unfair allegation of Mr. Hussein's illegitimacy has yet to be proven.

Apparently, Outkast isn't interested in the facts. Who can blame them, when it makes for such great record sales? Hasn't anyone noticed that every news report is immediately followed by a promotion for "Bombs Over Baghdad." I even caught Dan Rather personally endorse this "completely righteous tune" once. He even went on to add that "it'll make ya boogy all the way back to Gran Pappy's chestnut farm like a gopher on a hot plate."

Additionally, American intelligence agencies were completely unaware that the city of Baghdad even existed until this geographically savvy musical group unleashed its wrath on the unsuspecting Iraqi regime. An independent survey taken four years before this war started shockingly revealed that 98% of Americans had 'no idea what a Baghdad is, nor should we go to war with it, should it be a Mid-East capital city run by a viciously mustached dictator."

Finally we have conclusive evidence that music, movies and video games are the sole cause all societal problems. For years, the music and movie industries have served to inspire violence, general chaos and now war. Here are some previous offenses by the bloodthirsty entertainment industry:

1. In his 1989 song, Billy Joel claims he didn't start the fire. Why the guilty conscience, Mr. Joel? No one has accused you of anything... yet. Although Billy Joel's guilt of arson is as yet undecided, he is clearly responsible for igniting a wave of pyromania that has engulfed a generation, simply by mentioning the word 'fire' in his song.
2. In 1986, an unknown filmmaker by the name of John Hughes told us the tale of a crafty teenager who manipulates family, friends and foes so that he can play hooky from school and engage in zany antics and a wild adventure. The name of this film: Ferris Bueller's Day Off. As a direct result of this film, thousands of high school students began skipping school without proper medical justification, though few had the honor of lip-syncing a Wayne Newton song in a Chicago day parade. As a matter of fact, the majority of Hollywood inspired truants ended up unsuccessfully scanning daytime TV for hours in a vain search for a program that could provide some amount of mental stimulation. Still, Mr. Hughes and his spiteful apprentice (an unknown actor named Matthew Broderick who has rightfully been unemployed since this wicked film) gave teenagers, one of the most loyal and least rebellious age groups, the idea to skip a day of high school. Shame on you both.

The question we must ask ourselves is how many battles will we let be fought and lost at the whim of the entertainment industry? It's time to take control of our country back. It is not up to the musicians, directors or mimes to decide which battles to fight, nor which international capitals to send bombs over, sideways or under, on a magic carpet ride. Sorry, don't even get me started on the mind control of Disney songs.