10/31/2003

News in Review: joey Style

In case you've been buried by midterms, papers or alcohol, here is a quick breakdown of the big news stories you may have missed in the past month.

In international news, the Chinese government made headlines earlier this month by sending a man into space. More than forty years after the "Space Race" of the 1960s, the late entry of the Chinese into space surprised few, given the fact that the Chinese are known for being so bad at math. When asked to comment on the challenge of the project, twelve year old flight director Chin Siu-Ming answered, "Mom said I needed an after school activity to get into a good college, so I figured I would do it." His answer was given in perfect English, by the way.

On the local scene, a scandal erupted when Philadelphia Mayor John Street's office was found to be bugged. The federal government denied any involvement, but did show up at City Hall the next day to confiscate his computer. While carrying the hardware out of the office, agents were asked the nature of their investigation of the mayor.

"We did not bug his office. We are not confiscating his computer. We're not even in this room. That's just what the Matrix is telling you. Hey! Look over there." The agents then disappeared, leaving behind a smoke outline of their bodies and a "Zing!" sound effect.

In entertainment, MTV's latest reality incarnation, Newlyweds, is the biggest television hit of the season. The show teaches the network's prepubescent audience the harsh realities of married life: living in a huge mansion, dealing with thousands of adoring fans and throwing tantrums when your new hubby goes to the playboy mansion.

Also, this sneak peak into the life of the beautiful, the rich and the famous has confirmed our suspicions about the demands of celebrity: you have to be completely retarded. It's simply frightening that a woman so perplexed by the "chicken of the sea" brand of tuna fish is worth more than the Gross National Product of Guam.

In national news, the suspect accused of carrying out the sniper attacks that took place around the Washington, D.C. area last fall has elected to defend himself in his criminal trial. Legal analysts recommend that he advise his client to plead permanent stupidity.

On the surface, it would appear that nothing out of the ordinary is going on in our country. In baseball, both the Cubs and Red Sox continued their near-century-long tradition of watching the World Series from home. Just last week, the U.S. Congress passed a motion to give themselves raises without any say on behalf of the people they supposedly represent. And our president continues to withhold important documents despite the demands of a governmental investigatory commission.

However, a closer inspection reveals that something sinister is afoot. Earlier this month, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggar was promoted from action star to governor of the state of California. His state is currently suffering from raging wild fires that are crisscrossing the west coast. The sun is exhibiting one of the most violent solar storms in known history, apparently rearing for a surprise attack against our planet.

Let's see: rivers of fire spewing forth from the earth, the sun falling from the sky, the Yankees losing the World Series in Yankee Stadium: I'd say we're looking at the dawn of the apocalypse.

I started to grow suspicious that the devil was up to something crafty when both the Cubs and Red Sox made it within one game of the World Series in the same year, but that whole Arnold thing gives it away. Seriously, with the worldwide outbreak of war, the rampant flooding; I watch the news these days with a copy of the Book of Revelations and a pencil, just checking things off: "Got it, got it, need it, got it, got it, got it, need it, got it..."

I'd ask when the four horsemen are going to show up, but my latest viewing of Newlyweds has informed me that a 98 Degrees reunion is already in the works.

1 comment:

  1. Also, this sneak peak into the life of the beautiful, the rich and the famous has confirmed our suspicions about the demands of celebrity: you have to be completely retarded. It's simply frightening that a woman so perplexed by the "chicken of the sea" brand of tuna fish is worth more than the Gross National Product of Guam.

    Seph, you're going to pay for that one. I swear by all that is holy, there's going to be smack to the head in your future.

    P.S. Wonder what the ditz would've said if they were eating Bumble Bee Tuna instead?

    ReplyDelete