Valentine For a One-Night Stand

Everywhere I look, I see couples holding hands, and feeding each other candies and sugar coated lies. It’s been said that I’m just cynical and maybe they’re right. Last year’s Valentine’s Day didn’t go as planned and let’s just say that my appetite for love was left spoiled.

I’m not going to act like this year is any different, but I have been bitten by the infatuation bug again. So I figure, where better to explore these new and confusing feelings than in print for the public to witness and ridicule? I guess that’s what you get for being raised on reality television.

I've only had the fortune of spending but a single night with my latest love and sadly have no way of contacting her. But oh, what a magical night it was. So in the spirit of the day that celebrates the glorious union of two souls, I’ve decided to share with you a poem of love, of intrigue and of pain written for my lady of the night.

We met on a Thursday,
And it was Ladies Night.
I found your sleek, allured seduction
Just too hard to fight.

We met across a darkened bar
And I wasn't feeling shy.
I came over when you winked at me, but you
Just had something in your eye.

We danced all night long,
And my heart fell like a stone.
You’ll always remind me of that song that goes
"She sure likes the bone."

I asked you back to my place,
My heart jumped from it’s owner.
I hadn’t had sex in so long that my penis was
Hoping to become a donor.

You were oh so good to me,
As quiet as a mouse.
It’s cool that it didn’t bother you that
We did it in my parents’ house.

You showed me things that
I’d never seen before.
The Crisco, saddle and jumper cables
Left me kind of sore.

I’m sorry I upset you
When I said you couldn’t smoke.
But lighting my waterbed on fire while I slept in it
Was still a twisted joke.

You left in such a hurry,
And you took away my heart.
I'm also missing my wallet, keys and dignity,
And can’t find my car.

The night we spent together,
You held my heart in a trance,
But now the itching feel of loneliness
Has moved down to my pants.

The burning of your passion,
I feel now only when I pee.
Because you took my love and in return
Left me just an STD.

You looked so good in your pants,
Every guy had to see ya.
But you should have worn a shirt that said:
"Beware: I have gonorrhea."

I’m hurt by the lack of trust,
Isn’t that love’s greatest treat?
I’m also hurt by the growth of sores running from
My crotch to my knees.

Questions plague my mind:
Why won't you be my baby?
I also wonder how you got so damn dirty,
Did you do the whole English navy?

Yet since you’ve been gone
My life’s been quite a bore,
Even though Mom was right when she said
"Joe, don’t fall for a whore."

Maybe I’m being mean
And perhaps a little callous,
But honey you are the biggest slut
Since Debbie did all of Dallas.

Forgive my anger, Dear,
For what I'm really trying to say
Is that I hope to return the favor to you
Come next Valentine's Day.

So there you have it. I must admit, there has been great conflict as of late between my heart and my head on trying to find the right way to express my newfound affection. As you can tell by now, in this battle of reason and emotion, there was no winner: just one giant loser. Anyway, all you couples out there have yourselves a love infested holiday. In the case that you’re single, let me do my part in reminding you how alone you are. You are very alone and will probably die that way. At least now I’m not the only one crying today. Don’t you just love this freaking holiday?

1 comment:

  1. So it's Valentine's Day and you break out all of your favorite moments. It's slightly more entertaining than say, I don't know spending Valentine's Day with insane girls that constantly talk about sexual positions and therefore scar you for life. Good times.