Is it just me, or do you absolutely love the Internet? I consider myself fortunate to have witnessed the rise of a technology that can instantly bring a plethora of useless trivia and shopping opportunities to one’s fingertips. It’s like combining a shopping mall with an annoying know-it-all friend and putting it on your desk. In hindsight, one cannot be surprised by its immediate success.
The Internet was a sure shot to be such a hit. Even something as normal and commonplace as drinking milk must have had a shakier start. I know it sounds perfectly normal now, but somebody had to think of the idea to drink milk from a cow and I bet everybody thought that guy was a freak.
"Hey, Farmer Fred, how ya doin’? I gotta say, those cows are looking great. Beautiful specimens of nature, aren't they? Just sitting there: lactating and whatnot. Man, I'm thirsty. Wait a second. This might sound crazy, but- are you thinking what I'm thinking?”
First and foremost, the majority of users hop on the information superhighway to communicate via email. However, the current state of email is absolutely appalling. Roughly 98% of the email I receive is junk (though the same could be said about my outgoing mail). Practically every message received nowadays has either the words “enlargement,” Viagra” or “horny teens” in the subject line. I swear, the Internet behaves as though every user is an impotent pedophile that has a small penis and may or may not be in need of debt relief. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
The thing with email is that you always have to be on guard. Somebody is always trying to rip you off. For instance, I received a message the other day from the Emperor of Zimbabwe, who offered me $1 million for my bank account number so he could use my account to store 30-bajillion dollars. This immediately alarmed me. Mostly because I didn’t even know Zimbabwe was an empire.
So I thought to myself, what kind of fool did this guy take me for? One million dollars for doing nothing at all? Of course I’ll help out! I’m just thankful he found me. Could you imagine if his plea for financial safeguard had fallen into the hands of someone who would try to take advantage of those poor, trusting Zimbabweans and their 30-bajillion dollars? You can never be too safe these days.
It seems that every day the Net is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. The greatest evil of the Internet has to be pop-up windows. It’s like a spontaneous commercial break thrown in your face when you least expect it. They’re worse than television commercials and, I think, the veritable bane of all existence.
Pop-ups could easily ruin even the best day in the history of the world. Say I wake up, walk outside, find a free sack full of money and use the money to purchase an unlimited supply of chocolate ice cream served by the Lollipop Guild munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. This Eden-like experience would still be tainted if, while doing some online research on teen outreach programs, I click on a link reading “Get Your Hands On Some Young Bucks” and my screen is suddenly filled with eighteen windows depicting every sexual perversion known to man, woman and beast.
Adding to the dark side of the Internet, users must constantly be wary of computer viruses, the product of technologically savvy yet socially inept computer hackers. Basically, viruses are vicious programs that get your computer do things you don’t want it to and can’t understand. I don’t know about you, but my computer does that on its own. Like when I want to save a 14 page paper, my computer responds with, “Oh yeah? I’m not really in a ‘Save’ mood at the moment. Since it’s due tomorrow, I was thinking more of a ‘Critical Error.’ Maybe one of those ominous blue screens that always makes you cry.” I mean- I myself don’t cry. It’s just a euphemism. Maybe a metaphor. Moving along.
Despite all of the Internet’s absurdities- or perhaps because of them- many of us find ourselves helplessly addicted to having this constant source of information. There is really nothing like going to check your email and finding your computer unable to get on the web. It’s like all of the other computers decided that your computer isn’t cool enough and they don’t want to talk to it anymore. That’s so mean.
The natural instinct is to freak out. There may not have been any important reason for you to go online today, but now that you can’t, you suddenly realize 1,000 life-or-death reasons why you have to go online at this very moment. It’s torture. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that having the Internet taken away was the tenth plague of Egypt. Rivers of blood, frogs falling from the sky, the slaughter of first-born sons: none of these terrors caused as much chaos and havoc as when the pharaoh lost his DSL for a week.
I never realized its power until I was without Internet service for three days, feeling isolated and forsaken. Basically, I needed a hug and somebody to fix my damn Internet fast. I called up Verizon, who told me that my connection was shut off because they thought that my line was dead: basically, they thought I didn’t even exist.
How could I, a user of constant loyalty and appreciation, be forgotten? I can only equate my feelings of neglect and abandonment to the time I lost my virginity in a Detroit bus station. Okay, that one may require some explanation.
You see, I was visiting a friend at school in the Midwest and my travels took me through the Motor City for a four-hour stopover. I naturally took to sleep, only to awake hours later and find that my innocence, along with my luggage, had been taken from me while napping and was now gone forever. It’s a shame really, because I liked that suitcase a lot. Wait- what was I talking about again?
No comments:
Post a Comment