Boston Native Confused By Ass-Backwards Philly Accent

By Sully S. Sullivan

I admit, I've had a wicked awesome time at Drexel. You guys know how to get sloshed and throw some kickass pahties. I'm from Bahston, Mass. and it was kinda hahd fah me to adjust to such a different place. Sadly, I was not forewahned that you people takk like fucking retahds.

To staht off, I read this papeh every week and sweah that the editahs do not possess a computeh with a spell checkah. I nevah seen the letteh 'r' befah in my life and believe it has no place in any ahganized publication. I can only sehmise that it is the product of yeh satanic wehship pahties and pehvehted sexual deviances.

Trying to communicate with somebody in pehson around heah is even hahdeh than trying to read them in printed fohm. Fahst off, what comes out of a faucet? You wicked crazy bastehds say "wooder." What the hell is wooder? It's prounounced "waddeh" you fucking mahrahn.

You can tell that some of the kids heah ah right-out freaks without even takking to them. My rummate stays in owah rum all day long, watching freaking cahtoon pahnography. Sick bastehd. I think if the kid eveh talked to a real gehl his haht would explode and he would die from the utteh shock of it all.

If that isn't crazy enough, people think that I'm the one takking like a freaking mahrahn. I'll be walking around campus, listening to some Britney Speeahs on my iPahd or drinking with my buddies at the bah. And then some jackass will yell at me and say, "Yo, wheh ah yeh gonna pahk yeh cah, Hahved boy?" What I wanna know is what is up with this "yo" bullshit? If you's ask me it's you's who ah the ones sounding like dumbasses heah. Fah real.

And a lot of people try to avoid the issue by giving me hell for the Red Sox thing. Ah you kidding me? The Sox may be the kings of haht-breaks, but the Fightin' Phils ah professional flat line-ahs. Now, how 'bout dem apples?

Oh, and I've seen your stinking little St. Paddy's Day parade, if you can call it that. My 5-yeah old cousin's behthday pahty had mah alcohol than all of Philly did on St. Paddy's. Those little bastehds could drink any one of yehs undeh the table. St. Paddy died fah owah sins so we could get wicked drunk on green bee-ah and urinate in the streets. The celebration in Philadelphia is a disgrace to his honah.

To conclude this gentle tirade to the English bastehdizing people of Philadelphia, despite the linguistic differences between me and yehselves, I still enjoy yeh company and companionship. Let's just agree that you all speak totally bizzah. Get ov-ah it.

P.S. Family Guy, though losing points fah being set in Rhode Island, is still the wickedest funny show in the world. Eveh.

- Sully Sullivan is a freshman majoring in the female anatomy. In lab this Thursday he will be examining the vagina. Tommy, tell me you got that!