Jailbird Paris

As you must have heard by now, hotel heiress Paris Hilton is going to jail. The real crime here is that when the Hollywood courts finally put a celebrity in jail, they pick one for driving with a suspended license and not one of the many who have murdered someone (IE OJ, Robert Blake, Phil Spector). Nice.

I wonder what's going to happen with all of this. I wonder... wonder... wonder... (cue daydream sequence)

FRIENDS
I'm betting that the first thing she'll do is try to bargain her way out. Her strongest survival instinct is to spend. She'll probably use this to try to shave some time off her sentence.

"Hey. Jail guy. You're hot. If you let me out, I could buy you..."
"Buy me what?"
"That's it. I could buy you. I bought that Jerry Maguire kid for, like, ten grand. You look like a few hundred bucks."

I do think it weird to imagine Paris Hilton in a jail cell with a common (aka non-famous) criminal. My biggest worry is that there won't be a camera to capture it all. At first I thought that the stick-thin billionaire would be the one at risk. But now I fear for her cellmate. I suspect that Paris will probably get into her cell and immediately start gabbing like a pre-teen at summer camp. Gucci this. Martha's Vineyard that. Colin Farrell's scurvy. I give the cellmate three hours before she poisons herself with a bar of soap. Poor murderer.

FAITH
And like any celebrity rehabilitation, Paris will most likely emerge as a supposedly changed woman, ready to abandon the selfish and sinful ways of her past. For a few days, tops. As soon as she gets out, she'll probably make a statement like:

"I have converted to Muslimism. I am no longer Paris Hilton. That is my slave name. To reflect my new relationship with Allah, I have renamed myself Aspen Hilton. But you may call me Tania."

FASHION
I doubt this episode will do much to hurt her popularity though. I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Paris Hilton trend-setting phenomenon' was given a boost, too. Just imagine, teenage girls across the country start wearing leg irons and orange jumpsuits. Not to be outdone, Paris will go one better by cutting off the sleeves and legs and altering it with a very low bust line. Fashion junkies will start committing crimes just so they can have access to the authentic garb: "I just have to get my hands on one of those outfits. They're soooo hot."

I think the very worst that can come from all of this is that the family business could be affected.

"Hey Daddy? Remember when you said you needed a cheaper design for the new hotel rooms? You should check out the rooms at the place I just stayed at. Super cheap. They cut out all the pricey stuff. Like carpeting and doors with hinges and bathrooms. They just put the potty right next to the bed. The bunk beds. Aren't poor people funny?"

They'll call it "The Paris Hilton Overnight Experience" and it will go for $300 a night. You know people would pay for it.