Questions to God

Last night I dreamt that I met with God at the entrance to Heaven. I guess I was dead, but I looked fantastic so I assume that it wasn't due to any external injuries.

"Hello, Joseph. Welcome to the Gates of Heaven. Are you ready to stand judgment before Me?"

"I guess so. There's just a few things I've got to ask you before we do this."

"That's expected. Though it really won't do you much good to have those answers now. I've been asked questions since the beginning of time. There is nothing you cannot ask me that I have not already been asked for thousands of years before you arrived here."

"I know. But still, I have to. I feel like you might not be seeing the picture they way we do."

"Fair enough. List your questions and I will answer them all when you have finished."

"Okay. Let's see... Do you hate women? Because the whole menstruation, double standard of sex, orgasms, childbirth and menopause thing has a lot of us thinking that you might be sexist. And how come the Jewish people are always getting messed with? Do they really want to take over the world? Is it cool to eat meat? Because vegetarians can be more judgmental than Catholics. Dying doesn't make sense either. Just when you start to figure things out - BAM! - done. Whole new plane of existence to figure out. Why are there, like, 700 religions? It pretty much makes it impossible to know what's right. Mary Magdalene: care to comment?... "

forty years later...

"... like how Arrested Development barely makes it 3 years and yet Friends is on the air for 10? What sense does that make?"

"Is that all?"

"Umm... yeah. I think that covers everything."

"Very well. As I previously stated, I have already been asked every one of your 1,505,392,6021 questions. However, you are the first person to ask every one of them. Except one. The question people most often ask me is the very one that you have not. You are the first person to stand judgment before me and not ask "Why are we here?" Do you not wish to know the meaning to existence?"

"Really? I just figured you were bored. I mean, what good is omnipotence and universal power without existence? Seems pretty simple to me."

"That is correct, Joseph. I've always been amazed at how such a simple answer could evade so many. And now for your answers. First off, Friends, the Yankees and Hitler were all works of the devil. Same goes for the American and French Revolutions."

"Wow. Are you serious?"

"Hey, I'm with you - I never saw the big deal with that show either. How many times can I hear the same four jokes? 236 apparently. Satan has a real lame sense of humor. It's actually one of the biggest reasons I kicked him out."

"I guess so... That explains a lot."

"As for the rest of your inquiries, they can all can be answered in a single reply."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Nunya."

"Nunya?"

"Nunya. Nunya bizness. And now for my judgment: you will not be entering my Kingdom. Hell is where you will reside from now on."

"Damn."

"Exactly."

"So that's, like... forever?"

"FOR... EV... VER... In Hades you will stay until beyond eternity, when infinity ends. And so it begins now. I suggest you close your eyes. The journey ahead of you is not a pleasant one."

Walking away from His Heavenly Presence, the Creator divine, I couldn't help but think to myself,

"Nunya. Ha! That dude cracks me up!"