Love in a Grocery Store

And so, the day is finally here. Valentine's Day. Now, maybe it's just my cynical attitude shining through, but I've always found this day to be a bunch of crap. Let us for a moment ignore that is an entire day devoted to reminding us singles that we are alone. The mascot alone is ridiculous enough.

To represent this day of love and passion, we have Cupid, a near naked baby armed with a crossbow and a sash. And the "lucky" ones out there find themselves on the receiving end of this sadistic infant's rampages, shot square through the heart with one of his ìspecialî arrows. That doesn't exactly scream romance to me. More like bloody murder.

On second thought, maybe getting shot in the heart is a pretty accurate metaphor for falling in love. It happens suddenly, without notice or warning. You're never quite sure how you ended up in this bizarre scenario. After the initial shock of the ordeal, you find yourself in a great deal of pain, wondering, "Why, oh why me?" And when it is all over, you end up in the emergency room due to a large gaping whole in your torso. At least, that pretty much sums up my experiences with love.

But that's all changed. Well, for now at least. It all started earlier this week, as I found myself increasingly despondent towards the approach of Valentine's Day. In order to combat my feelings of discontent, I went to the Fresh Grocer on 40th and Walnut in search of a gallon of Neapolitan ice cream, a jar of peanut butter and a spatula to help drown my sorrows.

And it was here that I was struck by one of Cupid's murderous sprees, in the form of an adorably sweet grocery attendant. Although all I brought with me that day was self pity and despair, I left the store that day with a freshly baked case of infatuation.

So in the spirit of Valentine's Day, I thought that I should make an effort to show how much this lass means to me. I don't know what it is about her, but I've found myself so smitten with her that I quickly jotted down a song to express my feelings.

Maybe it was the way she snapped her gum and refused to look me in the eye as if I were a normal customer. Maybe it was how she found little ways to spend extra time with me. Like having "trouble" scanning most of my groceries, asking for a price check on every item and calling my credit card company to make sure the $14.15 I spent was not over my limit.

All I know is that along with stealing 47 minutes of my day, she also stole my heart. And so, it is in her honor that I share with you my ode to the grocery store girl. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: "Checkout Girl."

I found myself a new love that you won't believe,
She wears a green apron and has her name on her sleeve.
I waited in line and read a cheap magazine,
After one look I fell for a grocery store queen.

She's got a gentle touch with a full bag of flour,
And always lets me know if my milk has gone sour.
This girl knows how to pack my grocery bag just right,
And would never put the eggs under my Sunny Delight.

Checkout Girl,
I'm totally sure.
In case you didn't know,
I love you so.

She helped me find soup to get rid of my cough,
And then found a coupon to give me half off.
I had thirteen objects to buy, but she was the best,
She still let me in the lane for ten items or less

Those other guys you know are only looking to score,
They won't stick around for the clean up on aisle four.
Now no one can stop all my ranting and ravings,
Girl, I'd do anything for those Price Club Savings.

Checkout Girl,
You rule my world.
I just thought I should say,
You can bag my groceries any day.

Checkout Girl,
You are my pearl.
Now I just have to state,
Baby, our love has no expiration date.

I want to tell her that I think she's fantastic,
She can bag my love in either paper or plastic.
I'm ready for the day when our love will start,
So go ahead, baby, and price check my heart.

Checkout Girl,
I can't wait to check you out!

I'll take your silence as a compliment, though we both know it's only a result of the surplus of witty insults your mind is no doubt generating at this very moment. Whatever, just let me dream.

But don't be surprised if this little ditty is soon contributing to the crap-o-rama that is MTV's Total Request Live. I pretty sure that polluting the television airwaves during MTV's afternoon programming schedule is a sign that you've finally made it in the music business.

And a sign you definitely haven't made it and probably never will: appearing on any television show where you are lambasted by a quick witted Brit and a former Laker girl. Only in America could a UK Star Search rip-off be rehashed and sold back to us, yet still be an enormous success. Oh sweet capitalism.

Well, at the very least I've left you with some sense of respect and admiration for the hard working employees at your local Acme. And at the very most, I've left you with some sense of the overabundance of free time I have. If that isn't a cry for help, then I don't know what is. Hey, Happy VD everyone!