Valentine's Day Shopping Tips

Well, folks, one week until Valentine's Day. And I'm sure many of you find yourselves running around, aimlessly in search of the perfect present for that special someone. And yet, others are wrestling over the all too difficult question of which unnecessarily exotic flavor of Ben & Jerry's to go for. And don't forget the Pretty Woman VHS. If any of the singles out there really want to spice things up this Valentine's Day, try the "Best of Friends" DVD. That should get you through the night.

As for those of you in need of some shopping advice, look no further, for I am here to serve. Knowing what to get is just as important as knowing what NOT to get. For example, I will never understand greeting cads. You know, you are very special to me. There is no one else in the world like you. And to prove this to you, I'm going to give you a card in which someone else describes how much you mean to me and I will contribute nothing more than my signature. Oh yeah, and thousands of other uniquely loved individuals are getting the same card. Now that's romance.

Now, ladies, this can be a stressful holiday for you, so I'm here to ease some tension. First of all, don't even think of buying your guy his very own copy of Kate and Leopold on DVD. The only reason he even saw the movie is because you wanted him to. And he even pretended it was "Okay," just so you wouldn't feel bad. That was a gift to you. Giving him the ability to relive the experience over and over isn't going to give the night that romantic feeling you might be hoping for. Let's use our heads, ladies.

How about pornography? Who among us doesn't enjoy a good piece of porn every now and then? It's the gift that keeps on giving and something you both can enjoy. And isn't that what this day is about, anyway? Sharing a special moment with a loved one as you watch a women make passionate love to her cable guy. Probably not. Forget that one.

Alright let's get serious, ladies. If you don't know what your guy wants, then you don't know guys. Every guy wants the same thing and it doesn't come in a box. At least, not since the last time I checked, but that would be great if it did. If you want to make this night special, try and fulfill his fantasy. But if you can't get your hands on a donkey and a midget, don't worry about it, you've got bigger problem to deal with. Like the fact that you're dating a pervert. And if you're not serious, don't even joke about bringing on your best friend/roommate as a playtime partner. It's just cruel and that's not what this day is about, so quit being so selfish.

Now, guys, I know what you're thinking. You're walking around the store, and you have absolutely no idea what to get your girl. And suddenly, a pair of sweatpants seems to be the answer to your prayers. "Yeah! She enjoys a comfortable pair of pants to sleep in!" And it's also kind of a gift to yourself, too, in that they're easy to get her out of. But no so fast there, Don Juan. Chances are, you got her something similar for Christmas when you had were out of gift ideas back then. And consistently giving your girlfriend the gift of loose fitting clothing may send the message that you think she has a fat ass. This is just a feeling I have that may or may not be based on personal experience.

Seriously boys, you should know exactly what girls want. Look in your pants. No, stud, deeper. Try your wallet, Casanova. Exactly. Silver, gold, diamonds: every girl has her vice and if you get it right, you are on your way to a very Happy Valentine's Day. Think about how the mere prospect of sex can get you do anything they want. Girls are the same way with jewelry. It has been my experience over the past twenty years that guys turn into mindless slaves at any hint of sex and that women will do the same for shiny objects and footwear. Now who looks foolish, ladies?

As for me, I'll be spending this Valentine's Day in protest of the gluttonous greeting card and chocolate candy companies who look to exploit the honest passion and love of real people like you and me. It's awful that these capitalist pigs try to guilt us into spending lots and lots of money, as if we are expected to validate our affection and may only do so through the purchase of a Boyd's plush teddy bear.

I for one won't stand for this and refuse to be a part of it. However, for all you single ladies out there, I have lots and lots of money and no one to spend it on. I like candle-lit dinners; long, romantic walks on the beach; and, quite honestly, I just want to be held. Holy Crap! I'm twenty years old and my life is a friggin' Celine Dion music video. Shit.