I Am Technology's Bitch

I’ve always been a fan of technology — cell phones, MP3 players, the Internet, Cup-O’ Noodles. All of these technological innovations were developed to make my life easier.

one and my Internet service has been down for a week. Well, almost a week; it’ll be a week on Monday — which is in four days. Regardless, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been involuntarily thrust back to an archaic state of technology, the likes of which hasn’t been seen by the world since 1986.

Almost instantaneously, I’ve felt like I’d lost all contact with the world. I find myself craving information immediately, needing to know the score of the game now, wanting to find out what is "sup" with my friends at this very moment. I liken the experience to going through some sort of addictive withdrawal. Anxiety, irritability, loss of bladder control — these are the withdrawal symptoms of a techno-addict … who has a preexisting bladder condition. You have no idea how hard it is to have to walk down two floors to talk to my friends after growing so accustomed to just calling them on the phone.

Yet, it was not always this way. Sure, it seems hard to think of a time when owning a cell phone required an additional knapsack to carry it in, but I assure you it was not all that long ago. Having gone through this experience, I’ve been given a new perspective. Suddenly, everywhere I look, I see technology as a cause of frustration and laziness, not a saver of time.

Cell phones and the Internet are just two examples of technologies from which we expect immediate responses to our actions. Dial the number, press send, and the party you seek is on the other end of the line in a matter of seconds. However, growing accustomed to near instantaneous responses at the touch of a button leaves us irritated and annoyed at technologies that do not have comparable response rates.

For example, no matter how many times or how hard you press the elevator button, it will not come any sooner. It’s a fact. That’s not how they work, so don’t even bother. Rapidly pushing the button will not make the elevator think that you are in a bigger hurry than everyone else, nor will you be awarded elevating priority.

This growing dependency on technological gadgetry is not only increasing frustration on failing technologies, but also robbing us of the skills it took to get us to such an advanced age. I must admit, on several occasions, my growing lethargy has led me to instinctively whip out my graphing calculator in situations it shouldn’t have been necessary, such as trying to calculate how many hours I’m in a class that runs from 11 to 3.

For some reason, my estimate of negative 8 hours didn’t make much sense to me because I don’t remember going back in time on my way to class. I’m no engineer, but — wait. Ah, crap.

It’s amazing what other areas of life the dark hand of technology has gripped and continues to squeeze until the human race becomes the ultimate lazy species. Take laundry, for instance. Most clothes can be sent through the normal laundry cycle without a problem. However, just like there are soft, delicate people in this world that require special attention, so too in the land of clothes are delicates that must be nurtured and handled with care. You miss can’t it; it is stamped it on the tag in huge, bold face letters like it was the voice of God: DO NOT MACHINE WASH. However, you’ve got those fiendish bastards from the washing machine company, like a devil on your shoulder, tempting you with a setting for hand washables. I’m sorry, but my soul requires more than a simple rinse cycle has to offer. Machine wash hand washables? Isn’t that some sort of paradox, anyway?

In conclusion, after months of research and postulation, I devised an ingenious way to save us from this degenerative path of de-evolution, laziness, and apathy. All we have to do is... eh, I’ll get to it later.

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