MTV Lied: Spring Break Sucked

Welcome, welcome. Back we are from vacation, a rest needed greatly it was. Shit. There I go talking like Yoda again. Anyway, we find ourselves returned from spring break. That wonderful short span of time we look forward to as soon as Christmas break ends. So, what else is there to talk about, other than what we did on spring break? However, no matter how excited we may be at the dawn of break, seven days later normally finds us with little accomplished and almost begging for school, just to have something to do. I said almost.

The media portrayal of what your early to mid 20s spring break adventure is supposed to look like is that of a hedonistic festival of moral abandon. MTV regularly brings us images of spring break as a tropical, drunken orgy of...drunkenness. Let's face it: no more than 5% of the college population takes such an exotic mid-term vacation. By the way, how is it that MTV's spring break is sponsored by Pepsi, Clearasil and KY Jelly? Why can't my spring break be corporate sponsored? Despite my best efforts, I could not seem to get my financial aid to cover plane tickets to Aruba, hotels, nor $175 in various alcohols. A friend of mine tried to deduct the costs off of his tax returns as a business expense. He will be missed.

Some have come to the inspired conclusion that it is much cheaper and nearly as much fun to mimic MTV's seaside celebrations here on the mainland. You do save on the airfare to Tijuana and it does cut out the overly touchy customs agent who always feels the need to inspect your "smuggled goods." Middle aged, groping bastard.

Basically, 50% of college students passed the break away with lots and lots of alcohol, without feeling the need to consume it in a warmer climate. Some dared to relive old high school days by drinking in the woods. A very nostalgic idea, but it's just as fruitless as it was back in high school. No matter where the consumption took place, each night consisted of plotting the next day as the best day of our lives, vowing to one other to rise early for the adventure the next morning. Though the next day rarely consisted of any more plotting than arguing who would acquire the alcohol for that night.

Some out there did make good on their promise to have some sort of adventure this year and journeyed out on the always promising, yet ill-fated road trip. Only about 10% of us so wisely decided to venture forth on a journey across this wide country in a four wheeled, 6'x 10' box. Sadly, the crazy highway antics and laughable times portrayed in movies rarely occur.

No matter where you decided to venture on your road trip, at one point or another you found yourself staring out a window for six straight hours inside a car littered with soda bottles and empty Doritos bags while you cursed each of your trip mates just for existing.

Most of us did none of these quasi-exciting things during our break. In fact, roughly 85% of college aged persons surveyed (3) spent every day of their no work, no school week sitting in front of a television. With odds like that, you were less likely exchanging kisses with a stranger in San Juan and more likely watching a Trading Spaces marathon from your parent's basement.

What is sad is that more people watch MTV's spring break than actually go on it. Now that's living it up: watching a couple hundred people dance and party in a tropical climate from the comfort of your couch in south eastern Pennsylvania. By yourself. There's no shame in watching edited versions of Adam Sandler movies for the fifteenth time, with commercials every six minutes. I'm sure there is more to his movies than just crude violence and obscene language. Look at it this way, had you not spent oh-so-many late hours hypnotized by a parade of infomercials, you would not have learned of the unleashed cleaning power of oranges. So, what you're saying is that the stickiest fruit in the world is also the strongest cleaning agent known to man? Sounds good to me, I'll buy that.

Whether the days of your break were filled to the brim with alcohol, or high in television content, you've burned off just enough brain cells to not notice that those percentages add up to more than 100. Not that they should add to 100. Because of the leap year, right? Look, I was never any good at math. Anyway, by my count there are only 653 more days until next spring break. So you best start your planning now.

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