Scary Movie Survival 101

Horror movies have been around as long as movies have been made. What amazes me is that even after all this time, people in scary movies are still dying. It's ridiculous. We have thousands of victims whose mistakes led to their demise - yet these mistakes are repeated every time.

I thought I would do my part as the noble human being I am to come up with a list of the most common mistakes made in horror movies. If you ever find yourself in a slasher flick, all you need to do is heed my warnings and I guarantee you'll be around when the killer is unmasked.

  • If you ever say, "Did you hear something?" you will die within four minutes.
  • If someone is missing from the group, they are either dead or the killer. The first person to suggest that everyone "split up and look around" will be the next person to die.
  • If the screw-up in the group comes up with a plan and says, "Just trust me," do what he says. Otherwise you will die an ironic death.
  • If there is a thunderstorm, two people will die. Invite a lot of people to your house to reduce the probability of it being you.
  • The two most popular hangouts for crazy killers are underage drinking parties and houses with a babysitter and infant.
  • No one dies during the day. Move to the North Pole.
  • The creepy guy that no one trusts is NOT the killer. Or is he? No, he isn't. It's too obvious and he will actually end up saving you at some point - but then the killer will sneak up from behind him and kill him while everyone is celebrating.
  • The buddy system never works. Your buddy will disappear first, but also end up being the killer.
  • Stay away from Jamie Lee Curtis. She will always survive but everyone around her dies. I'm beginning to think she might be the killer.
  • The Virgin Myth is not true. Someone will die while having sex, but not necessarily virgins. The girl will see the killer come up behind the guy but her gasps of shock and fear will be misinterpreted as orgasms. That is why girls should always be on top.
  • The bigger a girl's breasts are, the more likely she is going to die with her shirt off. Take showers fully clothed to be safe and never, EVER engage in a panty/tickle fight with your hot girlfriends while home alone. Come over to my house.
  • If you pressure your girlfriend to have sex when she doesn't want to, you will die with a surprised look on your face and an axe to the head. The same will happen if you dress up as the killer to scare her and her friends.
  • tragically, the sexy slut will always die. That is why these movies are considered "horror."
  • never put more than 2 keys on your keychain. Because someone will end up with a keyring the size of a high school janitor's when they are trying to get back in the house or start a car.
  • no, he isn't dead. Even if the killer fell from an extreme height onto metal spikes covered in lava, he is still alive. The moment you turn your back, he will come after you.
  • there is ALWAYS a sequel.

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