Debauchery on the High Seas

If you've never been on a cruise before, here is the simplest way I can summarize it for you:

• everyone is your new best friend
• constant drunkenness
• partial nudity is expected
• at the beginning they just give you a little plastic card and say, "Use this for money. We'll worry about who is going to pay for it later."

It was exactly like college.

As for the company I was with on my journey, I found myself with one acquaintance and eight strangers for the duration of the cruise. It was a complete random assortment of characters and yet it was somehow a recipe for some of the funniest, most outrageous and raunchiest fun I've ever had. Here are some of the highlights...

Throughout the course of the trip, our friend Matt was granted sexual immunity simply on the basis of being gay. This allowed him to touch any one's anything under the justification that "It's okay. He's gay."

On an unrelated note, I learned a new word. Apparently, the word "twink" means an attractive young man targeted by older gay men. For some reason, I heard that word used a lot.

MON
Within 2 hours of the cruise beginning, we met a nice older woman named Kathy, who was kind enough to lend her daughter Christy to us for the duration of the trip. We adopted her as our own and affectionately renamed her Princess. Even after we were shown her license, passport and birth certificate we were still convinced that she was no older than 17 years old. At an apparent 22, she was the youngest member in our troupe yet still outdrank and outlasted us each and every night. I now call her "The Rock Star."

The first day of our cruise was marred by news of the passing of a beloved pop culture icon, Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. I was able to find a didgeridoo to play a moving rendition of Amazing Grace. My initial sympathies later turned to resentment as his tragic death inspired alcoholic toasts every 10 minutes or so. Don't judge me. You try drinking every time someone says, "Crikey!" and see how you feel the next day. I vaguely recall taking off my pants during the classy, sit down dinner. At 6pm.

It was at this dinner that my new friend Katie shouted, "Where's ma boooooze?" as if she had just checked out of the Betty Ford Clinic. For the remainder of our trip, her hand was never free of alcohol. I noticed that whenever her drinks were close to empty, some body part of hers would "accidentally" fall out and at least two of us guys would run off to fetch her a refill. I like her style.

Later in the night, we passed a unisex bathroom and someone cleverly called it the "U and I sex room." This joke would be repeated for the remainder of the trip as there were several multi-person excursions for some "U and I sex" in said public restrooms. You'd think it would get old but it actually doesn't - as long as you're drunk, horny and me. I guess that's sort of redundant. Twice.

TUE
We spent most of the day at the onboard art auction... heckling the auctioneer. Why? Was it because she was poor at her job? Was it because the art sucked? Both were true, but we had a better reason. In fact, a GREAT reason. Unlimited. Free. Champagne. No explanation necessary. I think my favorite piece was Mother and Child Sitting on the Beach While Dad Runs to the Car and Never Comes Back Again.

Later, it was formal night. Tonight proved that you can dress it up, but it will still get silly drunk and make a mess. We attended multiple happy hours. "Every hour is a happy hour" was our slogan for the night. This was also the night we encountered our heroes for the trip. Amongst a sea of formally attired individuals strolled a couple who looked as if they had just come from the NASCAR Hall of Fame. The woman held in her hand a gallon sized mug of some alcoholic beverage (moonshine?), topped with a penis-shaped straw. We dubbed her Cockstraw and she was never far from our thoughts.

I know at one point that we ended up in the Karoake room. I don't recall it, but there is photographic evidence of me stripping off my shirt and simply rocking a tie bare chested while TJ, David and Paula performed.

At some point during the night, we met a man named Jimbo. Everyone on the boat knows Jimbo. He looks like Jimmy Buffet at age 178. He was our entertainment. He was our mentor. He was our friend. He was also the guy passing out penis shaped straws. Good man. My only complaint is that we had to reintroduce ourselves to him and become reacquainted every day. It was like Groundhog's Day.

WED The cruise stopped into Key West from 9am to 3pm. Our group decided it was the perfect time of day for a pub crawl. Amazingly, it ended up being one of the best times of the trip. I wouldn't know. I didn't make it off the boat for Key West. My memories of the island consist mostly of paying for the previous night's sins by hugging the toilet bowl. Needless to say, I hate Key West. Damn you, Steve Irwin.

I'm told the highlight of the pub crawl was TJ's record-setting 4 lap dances given to middle aged women. Actually, I'm not sure if they can still be considered lap dances if they are not requested, not paid for and result in some sort of legal action.

THUR
Through strong determination the night before, I managed to stay sober enough to make it to see Nassau the next day. We had a great time swimming with the dolphins, despite the fact that the trainers were uncomfortable with how close I became with Goomba, our playful marine mammal. When I picked up my picture in the gift shop, the clerk gave a nervous laughter as he told me my picture would be hung up and I would be denied future attendance.

I also learned important survival lessons. For example, if someone in your party gets stung by a jellyfish on his privates, it is okay to pee on his junk. If he is so drunk that you are able to falsely convince him that his genitals were stung by a jellyfish, you must pee on him.

Thursday night probably provided the most raucous and out of control events of the trip. The word "understatement" has now been redefined. You'll understand this if you ever find yourself saying, "Señor Frogs. That place sounds fun." We went from 0 to drunk in about 7 minutes.

Imagine a constant stream of free shots being poured into your mouth while touring the pub via conga line. Kickass old school music. And tribal, island-style fun where anything goes.

We're talking 62-year old playboy bunnies. Richard Hatch look-a-likes. Mixed drinks served in glasses 3 feet long. Did I mention the conga lines of free shots?

Since the cruise was leaving the Bahamas at 10pm, we were forced to cut our fun short as we drunkenly raced back at 9:45. Fortunately, as soon as we were on the boat again, we were able to answer the age old question: "How many drunken assholes can you fit on an elevator?" In case you were wondering, the answer is always "too many."

Not surprisingly, upon returning to the ship, I stripped down to my underwear and ran around the ship - so everyone would know that we were back. I remember being tackled and prodded but I also remember tipping whoever did it. Paula, was that you?

FRI
Friday... Friday... It sounds familiar but I can't quite place the name.

SAT
We disembarked around 10am and headed for home. Somewhere near the Georgia border, Matt realized that he had left a bag of duty free Vodka and his passport at the curb back in Jacksonville. I'm not sure which he was more worried about losing.

After reclaiming Matt's right to travel and drink without paying taxes, we were on our way home in his brand new hybrid, a blueish, purpleish Toyota Prius. I did tell you Matt was a liberal hippie gay, didn't I? As we ran out of gas somewhere along I-95 in South Carolina, I am pretty sure that oil executives everywhere got an erection.

I was dropped off in Raleigh around 8pm and was fast asleep by 8:15. I didn't wake up until 4pm Sunday.

QUOTE LIST

• "So the first stop is in Key West? Let me get this straight, you took a cruise... to America? Way to go. I live in Lauderdale, I can drive there in, like, 3 hours."
• "I did THAT?!"
  --- NOTE: digital cameras are GREAT for blackmail
• "If it really hurts that bad, you should just let Bo pee on it."
• "Oh don't worry about him. He's gay. He's just being friendly."
• "I don't even KNOW these assholes!"

my new favorite assholes