2007: Year in Review

Yeah. That's right. I'm looking back on 2007 just 50 days into the year. That's because this year has already been so f***ing ridiculous. I can't handle any more nonsense. It makes my head hurt.

The theme of the year has been crazy. Not just 'crazy'. We're talking 'super-nutso-insane-my-kind-of-woman' crazy. So where do we begin?

Pop Culture
The biggest news of the year so far is that Anna Nicole Smith died. She has gotten more publicity with her death than she ever did in life. Speaking of which, no Kennedys have been accused of involvement in this one thus far (bonus points if you catch that reference).

And you thought that maybe this story could last for a few days. A week, tops. Nope. Just as the story died (too easy), some dude claimed that he was the Anna Nicole baby-daddy. And then another supposed baby-papa came forward. And another. And the majority of some high school football team, too. While no one in their right mind would admit to having sex with her while she was alive, we are getting some idea of the whore we always suspected she was.

And the story gets weirder every day. She stole a house in the Bahamas from some guy. She left everything to her son that died five months ago. I heard she used to sleep with an army of squirrels guarding her room. No I didn't.

Then to raise the bar, a former NASA astronaut slaps on a diaper and drives 400 miles to attack a romantic rival with pepper spray, a BB gun and a rubber hose. That's not actually as crazy as it sounds. I've had parties with all those ingredients and much more. And we had a hell of a good time. What's the big deal?

Oh Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney. She gets divorced. She parties. She's anti-panty. She neglects her kids. She dies her hair. She cuts off her hair. Honestly, I really don't give a damn what she does. It's her life. She's sold more records than me so who am I to criticize?

The insanity of the whole situation is that the f'ing media gets an erection the minute someone whispers her name. Usually because whatever nonsense rumor somebody makes up ends up being true. Do you know how I found out about the head-shaving incident? On CNN. CN-freaking-N. Wolf Blitzer, live from the Situation Room, the same place where wars, economic shifts and worldwide tragedies are brought to billions. And Britney's haircuts. I honestly think she gets together with her friends and they try to come up with crazy shit for her to do to see if the press will cover it for weeks.

Just when you thought it would be a good idea to distract yourself from pop insanity by focusing on political happenings, the stiffs go just as batty. Since none of us could wait any longer, full-on coverage of the 2008 presidential election began this January. Every move, every word and every misspoken statement has been obsessed over for weeks. Only 21 months to go!

"Is this country ready for a black president? A woman president? A black president? A woman president? Black. Woman. Black. Woman. Howie Mandel?" Oh, this won't get old anytime soon.

And amazingly, President Bush finally admitted that the war with/against/for/at Iraq was a disaster. It's as close as we'll get to him admitting a mistake. In response to this admittance, he reasons that we should probably double our troop deployment. Bwuhguh? It's like "I peed my pants a little. It was dumb. To fix it, I'm gonna pee a little more." Nice, Bushee.

But old Georgey wasn't done there. A month after that beauty, he goes on to accuse Iran of supplying weapons to the anti-American forces in Iraq. Let me get this straight. Arab nation supplies terrorists in other Arab nation with weapons to fight the United States. Oh, and there's no real evidence of it. It sounds so darn familiar. I swear I already saw that episode.