Can't Wait for 2008

    How I Will Make 2008 the Greatest Year Ever
  1. Write a hit country song that will move people to tears, inspire others to change their wicked ways, but also be good to dance and make babies to. The song will be called Jesus, Get My Gun. It will change your life.

  2. Slap bracelets. I'm bringing them back. I'll give one each to Lance Armstrong and Bono. The rest is easy. "What? You don't want to feed homeless cancer-babies that were displaced by Hurricane Katrina and are now fighting Communist terrorists in sweatshops? Then wear the damn bracelet. Here's some gauze. Probably gonna need that."

  3. Plead the 5th Amendment. I'm always hearing about mafiosos and corrupt politicos using this to get out of trouble. I might as well give it a shot. Come to think of it, other than my regular abuse of the Freedom of Speech, I don't think I've ever pleaded any of the Amendments. Habeus corpus, ex post facto, Kama Sutra. All that jazz. I think I could really stir up some shit with that thar Constitution.

  4. Remove the from the phrase "the Internet." We don't watch the TV. We don't drink the Pepsi. And we don't have the sex. Well... we might. If we're both drunk. And it's just this once. And we swear things won't get weird. But I'll get to later. (See Resolution #10)

    It makes surfing the web more familiar, doesn't it? Like its one of the family. "Are you hanging out with Merv?" ... "Nah. I'm checking out freaky porn on Internet."

    Likewise, I am abolishing the phrase "surfing the web." From now on, it will just be called 'Interneting'. "Surfing" makes it sound like an extreme sport. There is nothing adventurous or death-defying about stalking old high school crushes on Facebook.

  5. At least once a week, take the elevator from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor. It makes me feel important. It's like saying to the world, "Hey. I have stuff to do. I can't be dealing with steps. Or manual doors. I have a briefcase. With documents. And paperclips. Don't stare at my crotch."

  6. Reunite The Saunders Electric Xperience (aka The S.E.X.). That's right; I'm putting the band back together. The greatest band. True, we didn't get around to making any music. Actually, the band broke up during our first rehearsal. Well, it was more like an audition. And nobody showed up.

    Still, after a less-than-satisfactory solo career, I'm ready to be a part of the team again. Just have to find a drummer, a lead singer, a lead guitarist, a bass player, rhythm guitar player, songwriter, producer and manager. Oh, and who is the guy that gives out VIP badges and picks out chicks for you to have sex with? Definitely gonna need one of them.

  7. Go to rehab. You can't be a somebody until you get arrested for something embarrassing and go to rehab. Or have a sex tape "accidentally" leaked onto Internet (<-- see what I did there? i'm so f'ing clever. in the industry, that's known as a callback.).

    Better yet, I should get arrested for breaking into a rehab facility while trying to make a sex tape. Now that's a recipe for instant celebrity. joey's going Hollywood.

  8. Get married. I don't have the girl picked out yet. But I finally know what I'm looking for: Brown hair. Cute smile. Glasses. Was born in Pennsylvania. Has been a cast member on Saturday Night Live. Has her own Thursday night sitcom. Went to college. Likes puppies. Friends with Lindsay Lohan. You know, all the cliche stuff.

  9. Deinvent myself. Everybody thinks New Year's is the time to reinvent themselves. Grow as a person. Move forward in life. Achieve goals. F that noise. I'm going in the other direction.

    I'm going to devolve and turn back into one of my former selves. Not like reincarnation. I'm not going to be a cat again. Or Jesus' little brother. That was rough. Nag, nag, nag...

    "Why can't you be more like your brother, Jesus? He's so peaceful. And caring... and forgiving... and understanding..."

    "Oh yeah, Mom? Well he obviously doesn't get it from your side of the family. And how come he doesn't look anything like Dad? Or have red hair like all the rest of us kids? Care to explain that?"

    I mean I want to go back and be one of the old joeys again. Remember how much fun you used to have with joey? Well, he's coming back. I'd say I peaked sometime around kindergarten, so that's probably the 'joey' I should strive to be. Dude, the chicks were so down with joey back then. They were all like "chase me, no don't, you can't catch me". Though I do recall having trouble differentiating between squares and triangles. So I'm not sure how that will affect my job. And writing all over the walls in marker might screw me out of my security deposit...

  10. Start the revolution. You know what I'm talking about. Don't play coy with me, you naughty one. Let's do this thang.


  1. Sounds like an excellent plan. I'll do my part by saying "internet". Can I say "interweb"?

  2. Hell Yeah! Slap bracelets were the shit! I mean nothing irritated parents, teachers, the whole of humanity really, then slapping that crap off and on your wrist, granted you might be bleeding profusely by the end of the day, but still. You looked cool, right? Make mine fluorescent yellow, please.

    As for "the" internet, thing. I can't go with you on that, I mean "I'm going to surf Internet." or "I was on Internet, till 2am last night trolling for porn." It just doesn't flow, man. It's crazy. I mean you sound like a crazy foreigner that just learned "the" English.

    But I'm all for deinventing yourself. I'm sick of the current Joe. ;p

    -- Stine