This Article Rife With Poor Journalistic Practices

Includes Sex, Drugs, Murder and Weight-Loss Tips

Despite this author's reputation for responsible journalism and professional integrity, this piece has somehow slipped by editors and fact checkers, painting a blemish on an honorable past dating back to my first cover story for TIME magazine in 1939.

Speaking from his 4 acre ranch in downtown Manhattan, the School of Journalism Dean at Chicago Junior High demanded that he "not be quoted" and went on to state that he had "no reason to comment on the incompetencies of some insignificant hack." Professor Richardson also requested his name not be mentioned in this publication because he feared he might "lose all credibility within the journalism community," adding "I [am a big, fat tool and] have no idea how you got this number. Goodbye."

This image has nothing to do with this article. But it's still cool.
Reproduced without permission

A random sample of this reporter's close friends were interviewed to gauge their opinion on the accuracy of the statements contained herein. Of the 3 individuals surveyed, 95% of them felt that their opinion was misrepresented, most owing to the fact that they were "never interviewed in the first place." The remaining 6 respondents instead replied that "you still owe me twenty bucks."

Due to a really inconvenient deadline, this author was unable to question respected journalists like Katie Couric or Diane Sawyer, but it is widely accepted that they would have said something to the effect of "there is nothing wrong with this article. The complaints being registered are simply the whiny mating call of fruity closet homosexuals and communist sympathizers." Later, they would have gone on to say "Would you please make love to me now. Hard." This author would like to personally apologize for any damage or pain these allegations of infidelity may have caused to Ms. Couric's or Ms. Sawyer's families. Even though we totally did it and it was so worth it. Also, I heard from some guy who knows someone whose friend is a drug dealer in New York and he says that Tom Brokaw definitely has a raging addiction to crystal meth.

Although this well respected journalist has never been accused of plagiarism, this specific article has come under fire for multiple instances of ripping off uncredited sources. Though the burden of proof often lies with the accuser, no reader should hesitate to call into question the ethical merit of every word ever written or uttered by this author. Rather, it is quite likely that in upwards of 95% of every article he's published has contained some amount of plagiarism - and possibly coded messages to terrorists. One can only assume that this practice has been encouraged and enforced by his current and former employers, his parents and any one who has socialized with him. Unfortunately, it is highly likely that any physical evidence of such a conspiracy has been destroyed and will never be recovered.

All this stress has only been made worse by the fact that I have been working so hard to bring a grand manipulation scheme together, with my roommate being the unwitting, idiotic target who is not likely to figure this scam out long after I and his girlfriend have escaped, breeded on repeated accounts and negated just about every bright and wonderful hope he had for his future. <--- this is not a runon steve. i know sentnce structure. go back to undergrad you hac

These constant disctractions have left me with a sleep cycle that has been few and far between. The result being a mess of disorganization and a severe void of any focus. The challenges have been counfounded by a poorly executed plan to administer a variety of medications in hopes of heightening the mind, mood and spirt into a body balanced perferctly chemical to guarentee sucess. Medications inlcuding: adderrall, xanax, prozac, ambien, valium, lithium, ritalin, NyQuil, herbal tea and St. John's wort. Oh, and a 4pack of Red Bull.

Regardless, we must hold these truths to be self-effacing, that all men are created eagles, that they are totally endowed by their Creator... with certain abominable rights. Among these are a Wife, and the pursuit of Happiness, Liberty or Justice (or any other woman similarly named after emotions and philosophical concepts).

hey man. your mom called like three times. something about the hospital. were out of milk so pick some up. also i think your girlfriend is cheating on you. can't be sure but you should probably break up with her. you were serious when you said she told you i was cute, right? definitely dump the ho and erase her from your phone. but give her my number in case she wants to talk about it. i'm there for ya bro. toilets clogged again. youd better fix that fast. wont be back until late. have to run to the library to finish a stupid article. getting paid by the word count so i gotta do some serious padding. later homo.

1 comment:

  1. Although this article exceeds the journalistic standards I find in most national publications I still would like to see a citations section in the proper MLA format.