8/15/2008

Love on the Internet

Let's make up a story. Supposin a guy - could be any guy - he comes home one day. He's feeling particularly bored, maybe even a little down. He's got nothing to do, but his friends are busy and the thought of a night of watching TV isn't doing much for his morale.

Reluctantly, he turns on the television and, as usual, there ain't much to be seen. Just when he's about to give up, an old, kind-looking man comes on and speaks with warmth in his heart:

"Hey there, fella. Are you feeling lonely? Because I want to find you that special somebody. That perfect mate you're destined to be with but just haven't found yet. Just go to eHarmony.com and fill out a few questions. You can check out the results for free. Because I don't care about money. I care about bringing you together with someone you're meant to be with."

So, owing to the confidence that comes from a few beers consumed in solitude, the young chap sits down at his computer and goes to the site. "I've got nothing to lose," he thinks to himself. "Let's see what all this fuss is about." And he begins to fill out what he assumes will be a brief questionnaire.

Over the next 45 minutes, the lad is given an extensive compatibility assessment. He's asked questions about his values, how he sees the world and how he treats those around him. What began as a lark to ward off boredom has unexpectedly found him digging deep inside himself, asking hard questions like "What is it that I value most? What do I hope to offer others? What 3 celebrities would I want to be shipwrecked with?"

And when it is all over - when the tough questions have been answered, a soul has been revealed and maybe a tear or two has been shed - the system returns a response without delay. The work of the complex "Compatibility Matrix" is complete and has this to say to that fragile young man:

Sons of bitches.

You go to these people waving a white flag. You admit that you are lost in the dating game. You just don't know what to do or where to look but you are grateful for someone willing to help in your quest for happiness. And they tell you that you are "unmatchable". Which is a polite way of saying "you will live a long, lonely life and die a slow, painful death with no one by your side. No one will weep for your soul."

This is like getting rejected by a prostitute.

This is like asking a priest about his church and him telling you to "Go to hell."

This is like a psychiatrist giving you a prescription for cyanide and a coupon to a gun store: "One free bullet with purchase."

This is NOT like going to your girlfriend's father and being told you aren't good enough to marry his daughter.

It's more like going to a matchmaking website and being told "Hey. We looked all over the Internet. We couldn't find anyone for you. Sorry, guy. Good luck with... life, I guess."

Fuck that dirty, old man. He is just a cyber pimp, no more than a mere digital madam.

I hope his wife divorces him for a guy who beats puppies, smokes in hospitals and lies to his mother.

7 comments:

  1. I feel horrible for you. Better luck next time.

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  2. If you were gay you could have saved yourself 45 minutes, because then they don't even let you answer the questionnaire.

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  3. Whatever. That old loser-ass cracker just can't admit that their pre-defined profiles do not yet include an "unspeakably awesome" profile type. When I filled it out one time they were "unable to match" me too. Hrmph.

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  4. Angry in Seattle18.8.08

    I think it is pretty obvious what happened here. They apparently couldn't find anyone with enough class or who was worthy of your time within their "compatibility matrix" to match up with you.

    Oh, and they suck. A lot.

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  5. Seph,

    Geez...I go here just to see what's been happening and see that you've apparently gotten someone fired because of your shaky leg (which is pretty sweet by the way ;p), went to a key party (I thought only old people did that shit?), took the wrong Meds and apparently want us all to join you in your fight against the people who are messing with your Budweiser (which tastes like piss by the way, but I digress)...and now you've gone to eharmony...Seph, Seph...what have you done to yourself...next thing I know you're going to be writing some really, really bad poetry about why some chick on the Olympics didn't bring home the Gold.

    Don't worry, Seph...life could be worse. You could still be working for that crappy bookstore...you know the one. So, you've got it pretty good. Besides, Match.com is better.

    Stine Out!

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  6. I love filling out questionnaires! I always tell Shawn I want to do eHarmony. I mean, what if he's not my soulmate? If so, I need to quit wasting my time with him.

    If I wasn't married, and if you were a few years older, and if we weren't related, I'd totally date you! :)

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  7. Anonymous15.1.09

    I know exactly how you feel...my priest told me to go to hell the other day.

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