Love on the Internet

Let's make up a story. Supposin a guy - could be any guy - he comes home one day. He's feeling particularly bored, maybe even a little down. He's got nothing to do, but his friends are busy and the thought of a night of watching TV isn't doing much for his morale.

Reluctantly, he turns on the television and, as usual, there ain't much to be seen. Just when he's about to give up, an old, kind-looking man comes on and speaks with warmth in his heart:

"Hey there, fella. Are you feeling lonely? Because I want to find you that special somebody. That perfect mate you're destined to be with but just haven't found yet. Just go to eHarmony.com and fill out a few questions. You can check out the results for free. Because I don't care about money. I care about bringing you together with someone you're meant to be with."

So, owing to the confidence that comes from a few beers consumed in solitude, the young chap sits down at his computer and goes to the site. "I've got nothing to lose," he thinks to himself. "Let's see what all this fuss is about." And he begins to fill out what he assumes will be a brief questionnaire.

Over the next 45 minutes, the lad is given an extensive compatibility assessment. He's asked questions about his values, how he sees the world and how he treats those around him. What began as a lark to ward off boredom has unexpectedly found him digging deep inside himself, asking hard questions like "What is it that I value most? What do I hope to offer others? What 3 celebrities would I want to be shipwrecked with?"

And when it is all over - when the tough questions have been answered, a soul has been revealed and maybe a tear or two has been shed - the system returns a response without delay. The work of the complex "Compatibility Matrix" is complete and has this to say to that fragile young man:

Sons of bitches.

You go to these people waving a white flag. You admit that you are lost in the dating game. You just don't know what to do or where to look but you are grateful for someone willing to help in your quest for happiness. And they tell you that you are "unmatchable". Which is a polite way of saying "you will live a long, lonely life and die a slow, painful death with no one by your side. No one will weep for your soul."

This is like getting rejected by a prostitute.

This is like asking a priest about his church and him telling you to "Go to hell."

This is like a psychiatrist giving you a prescription for cyanide and a coupon to a gun store: "One free bullet with purchase."

This is NOT like going to your girlfriend's father and being told you aren't good enough to marry his daughter.

It's more like going to a matchmaking website and being told "Hey. We looked all over the Internet. We couldn't find anyone for you. Sorry, guy. Good luck with... life, I guess."

Fuck that dirty, old man. He is just a cyber pimp, no more than a mere digital madam.

I hope his wife divorces him for a guy who beats puppies, smokes in hospitals and lies to his mother.