Acing the Interview

In case you've ever been nervous or unsure about going on an interview, I've compiled a list of what I consider to be the most helpful tips so that others may benefit from my knowledge and experience. The primary goal is to make your brief visit as memorable as possible so you stay stuck in your interviewer's mind, even if you have to bend the truth.

  • Clothing is very important for making first impressions. Wear something that shows off a lot of cleavage. Girls should also dress to attract the eye.
  • Remembering people's names is hard. Just refer to everyone you meet as "Action Jackson."
  • There is a secret language to interviews. No one truly means what they say. For example...
    what they say what they mean
    "This is a great experience..." "The pay is awful."
    "This job isn't for everyone." "This job isn't for anyone."
    "The previous employee committed to other opportunities." "She got drunk at the Christmas party and got knocked up by the janitor."
  • Salary negotiations are always tricky. Use confusion to get an early mental advantage by opting for "the lump sum."
  • Take your time. Start off every answer by whispering under your breath, "Oh fuck..." and taking a 20-second pause. Every now and then say, "I'll take the physical challenge." Then get up and start stretching in preparation.
  • If you find yourself having trouble with a question, I suggest you bide yourself some time by turning the question back on the interviewer. "Well... why did you leave your last position?"
  • Make sure you understand the questions completely. You don't want to give any information that wasn't asked for.
    "Well, that depends on how you define arson..."
  • For the more difficult questions, just take a tip from a group well-practiced on tough questions: beauty pageant contestants.
    What are your long-term goals?
    "World Peace."
    What are some of your weaknesses?
    "Umm... failing to achieve World Peace?"
  • If you have a phone interview, be sure to illustrate the intangibles - like your firm family values. Do this by interrupting your interviewer every few minutes and shouting, "Mom! I'm on the phone! Hang up! Stop- hang up the phone! No, it's not for you."
  • Make up a few special accommodations to make yourself appear unique.
    "I am most efficient between the hours of 3pm and 7pm... I suffer from chronic hair pain... I feel threatened when short people make eye contact with me... I have a debilitating fear of time zones and mutton chops."
  • Don't be afraid to give an example of your more marketable work habits.
    "You should know right off the bat that I title all emails with quotes from Seinfeld. I expect that any reply include a quote from the same episode, but must not be from the same character."
  • Have a few questions on hand for the end of the interview to show your enthusiasm for the position.
    "How much notice do you give before drug tests?"
    "Are those security cameras real?"
  • To ensure that you leave a lasting impression, "acquire" the picture of last year's company picnic hanging on the wall. Use your home computer to digitally insert yourself wearing a chef's hat and your arm around the bosses shoulder. Then return it to its place during off peak hours. No one will quite know why, but they will begin to view you as part of the team before you're ever hired.

And... you're welcome.