Harry Potter & the Sar Chasm

At last, the seventh and final Harry Potter book hit stores this weekend. And since you don't like reading - who does? - I'll do you a favor and give you the highlights so you can sound semi-intelligent at the water cooler this week.

Potheads for Potter
Few were surprised when prankster twins Fred and George Weasley transformed their wizard joke shop into a drug paraphernalia store, renaming the shop Weasley's Wacky Weed Warehouse. However, Fred's opium addiction and his subsequent battles through rehab were no laughing matter - a harsh lesson no reader will soon forget.

The 'Other' Hogwarts
Back in book 5, fans were treated with visitors from two other wizard schools, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. But much to readers' surprise, we quickly learn that there is a second British school of magic - albeit with less prestige and grandeur than Hogwarts.

The Russell B. Jackson Vocational School of Magik does not have the famous alumni nor the generous endowments as its counterpart, but it is still a good place for at-risk wizards and witches to get a solid education. Secondhand wands and discounted textbooks can be just as good as any of the tools Hogwarts has to offer. Located just over the tracks of the Hogwarts Express, each September finds excited students taking a wondrous and sometimes lengthy journey from train to bus to trolley to reach the school. It too has a Quidditch field, although the trolley tracks running across the south end make it nigh impossible to complete a match without interruption.

RBJ has been spared the excitement and adventure that Hogwarts has hosted the past 6 years, but that doesn't last long. As the Weasleys face financial difficulties and struggle to make tuition payments, Ron and Ginny find themselves enrolled at the lesser-known institution for a semester. They may be able to handle giant spiders and the ghosts of dark wizards, but will they be able to handle classmates strung out on Riddelin (the magic world equivalent of our well known ADHD pharmaceutical)? Female students begin disappearing at an alarming rate, each under the suspicious guise of "visiting a sick aunt". Something foul is afoot and you can be sure the gang is ready to solve the mystery.

Marital Bliss
Book 6 promised that there was a wedding in the works for the final installment. But who could have guessed that muscle-head cronies Crabbe and Goyle would run off to San Francisco and declare their love for one another in a touching civil ceremony? I, for one, always thought them to be more of an east-coast gay couple - which would have landed them in the semi-tolerant woods of Massachusetts. Just when you think you know somebody...

the boy who cried

The Chosen One... For Prime Time
And finally, the big questions get answered after ten long years of wondering, hypothesizing and guessing. Would Harry defeat his nemesis Voldemort? Would he die heroically attempting to save mankind from evil? Once again, the pen of the talented Mrs. Rowling spun an outcome no one could have predicted.

Instead of dueling to the death, Voldemort and Harry come to find that the two of them are much more alike than either could have guessed. They end up moving in together and their unlikely friendship takes them to Hollywood where they develop their tale into a successful NBC sitcom called "Tom & Harry."

A mature Haley Joel Osment plays Harry Potter with the role of Voldemort / Tom Riddle garnering several Emmy awards for Ashton Kutcher. The public lovingly adopts the shows catchphrases, such as "Cat got your Snitch?" and "Don't forget who gave you that scar!"