8/23/2007

Harry Potter in 3 Minutes

Note: If you haven't read all seven Harry Potter books and don't want to know what happens (or don't care, for that matter), I suggest you stop reading. Otherwise, knock yourself out, you silly Muggle.

1981
Snape: So I made this really big mistake and I kind of need a new job.
Dumbledore: No problem. What job do you want?
Snape: Umm... How about Defense Against the Dark Arts?
Dumbledore: Let me get back to you on that.



No wonder he's always so cheerful

Eleven years later...
BOOK 1
Dumbledore: Nice job on protecting Harry when Quirrell tried knocking him off his broom.
Snape: Yeah, about that. I think Quirrel might be after that stone. You should probably do something about it.
Dumbledore: No worries. I left some very ambiguous hints to an 11 year old child. It should all pan out in the end.


BOOK 2
Snape: So... some of the students are... almost dying. You should really do something about this.
Dumbledore: Yeah... I think I'll just wait it out until the government suspends me. That should spark something into action.
Snape: Riiiiiiiight.


BOOK 3
Dumbledore: I've got some great news about the Defense Against the Dark Arts job.
Snape: After 13 years of empty promises, you're finally going to give it to me?
Dumbledore: What? Hell, no. I hired one of your old school buddies: Remus Lupin.
Snape: You mean the werewolf who almost killed me?
Dumbledore: Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Good times.


BOOK 4
Snape: Umm... so that mark on my arm is back again.
Dumbledore: Oh yeah? Why don't you go and check in with your old friends. I'd like to know if they plan on roughing up my boy Harry.
Snape: You mean just pop in for a visit with an evil group I once betrayed? They'll probably kill me on sight.
Dumbledore: Thanks, buddy. I owe you one.



The man who best understands
the phrase "Dead-End Job"

BOOK 5
Dumbledore: So thanks for risking your life for a kid who hates your guts... and whose father hated your guts... and whose godfather almost got you killed by that werewolf... and whose mom-
Snape: I get it! What now?
Dumbledore: I need you to give that kid some extra lessons to make sure he's safe.
Snape: Fine.
 
Later...
Harry: My mortal enemy has your mortal enemy and is torturing him. Help him! You know, even though we both still hate you.
Snape
(to himself):
Jesus. Do I have to do everything? One day someone will write a book about this crap and finally I'll be the hero.
JK Rowling Umm... not exactly.


BOOK 6
Snape: You want me to do what?!?
Dumbledore: Don't be such a bitch about it. I doubt the issue will ever even come up.
 
Later, Harry chases Snape, casting curse after curse at him. Snape deflects each of them but does not retalitate.
Harry: I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
Snape: Nobody hurt him! He doesn't really mean that.


BOOK 7
Dumbledore: I think Harry might need a sword. You'd better risk your neck again and get it to him, but do it in a mysterious and overly complex way. I like things like that.
Snape: This is the last time I help this little brat.
JK Rowling: Last time, indeed. **winks** Hey, remember that girl you were in love with in high school and never got with? I bet that still hurts, huh? Life's so funny sometimes.
Harry: Whoa.. HELP me?!? What has he ever done to help me?

1 comment:

  1. Stine27.8.07

    Seph. . .Oh, Seph. You kill me. I'm dying of the funny. Yeah, that basically says it all. Um, year 4 had me snort, snort damn you. Ladies don't snort.

    Thanks for that, Seph. Just what I needed.

    Stine

    ReplyDelete