Note: If you haven't read all seven Harry Potter books and don't want to know what happens (or don't care, for that matter), I suggest you stop reading. Otherwise, knock yourself out, you silly Muggle.
| 1981 | |
|---|---|
| Snape: | So I made this really big mistake and I kind of need a new job. |
| Dumbledore: | No problem. What job do you want? |
| Snape: | Umm... How about Defense Against the Dark Arts? |
| Dumbledore: | Let me get back to you on that. |
 No wonder he's always so cheerful |
| BOOK 1 | |
|---|---|
| Dumbledore: | Nice job on protecting Harry when Quirrell tried knocking him off his broom. |
| Snape: | Yeah, about that. I think Quirrel might be after that stone. You should probably do something about it. |
| Dumbledore: | No worries. I left some very ambiguous hints to an 11 year old child. It should all pan out in the end. |
| BOOK 2 | |
|---|---|
| Snape: | So... some of the students are... almost dying. You should really do something about this. |
| Dumbledore: | Yeah... I think I'll just wait it out until the government suspends me. That should spark something into action. |
| Snape: | Riiiiiiiight. |
| BOOK 3 | |
|---|---|
| Dumbledore: | I've got some great news about the Defense Against the Dark Arts job. |
| Snape: | After 13 years of empty promises, you're finally going to give it to me? |
| Dumbledore: | What? Hell, no. I hired one of your old school buddies: Remus Lupin. |
| Snape: | You mean the werewolf who almost killed me? |
| Dumbledore: | Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Good times. |
| BOOK 4 | |
|---|---|
| Snape: | Umm... so that mark on my arm is back again. |
| Dumbledore: | Oh yeah? Why don't you go and check in with your old friends. I'd like to know if they plan on roughing up my boy Harry. |
| Snape: | You mean just pop in for a visit with an evil group I once betrayed? They'll probably kill me on sight. |
| Dumbledore: | Thanks, buddy. I owe you one. |
 The man who best understands the phrase "Dead-End Job" |
| BOOK 5 | |
|---|---|
| Dumbledore: | So thanks for risking your life for a kid who hates your guts... and whose father hated your guts... and whose godfather almost got you killed by that werewolf... and whose mom- |
| Snape: | I get it! What now? |
| Dumbledore: | I need you to give that kid some extra lessons to make sure he's safe. |
| Snape: | Fine. |
| Later... | |
| Harry: | My mortal enemy has your mortal enemy and is torturing him. Help him! You know, even though we both still hate you. |
| Snape (to himself): | Jesus. Do I have to do everything? One day someone will write a book about this crap and finally I'll be the hero. |
| JK Rowling | Umm... not exactly. |
| BOOK 6 | |
|---|---|
| Snape: | You want me to do what?!? |
| Dumbledore: | Don't be such a bitch about it. I doubt the issue will ever even come up. |
| Later, Harry chases Snape, casting curse after curse at him. Snape deflects each of them but does not retalitate. | |
| Harry: | I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! |
| Snape: | Nobody hurt him! He doesn't really mean that. |
| BOOK 7 | |
|---|---|
| Dumbledore: | I think Harry might need a sword. You'd better risk your neck again and get it to him, but do it in a mysterious and overly complex way. I like things like that. |
| Snape: | This is the last time I help this little brat. |
| JK Rowling: | Last time, indeed. **winks** Hey, remember that girl you were in love with in high school and never got with? I bet that still hurts, huh? Life's so funny sometimes. |
| Harry: | Whoa.. HELP me?!? What has he ever done to help me? |
Seph. . .Oh, Seph. You kill me. I'm dying of the funny. Yeah, that basically says it all. Um, year 4 had me snort, snort damn you. Ladies don't snort.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that, Seph. Just what I needed.
Stine