How to Bomb the Interview

So I love my job. Except for the work part. We've got soda fountains, Foosball, ping-pong and air hockey tables. But I still like to have my own special kind of fun. I recently started sitting in on interviews. Good for me. Bad for everyone else involved.

Interviews can be nerve-wracking for anybody. It's like a blind date where you get arrested if you go in for a kiss. All the difficult questions, the delicate balance of salary negotiation; who could possibly look forward to such an awkward situation? I think you know who.

My attitude is what's the point in asking someone a question they already know you're going to ask? I say the best way to judge someone is to see how they react to the unexpected. So I ask things like,

  • "Okay. Truth or dare?"
  • "Before we get to this boring interview stuff, do you mind if we talk about how Jesus Christ has changed my life?"
  • "How are you at working in tight, enclosed spaces with no natural light, recycled air and a general sense of hopelessness?"
  • "Tell me about a work experience where you screwed over someone who trusted you."
  • "Tell me about a time where you broke the law but didn't get caught."
  • "Just going to ask a few questions to see how you solve problems. There is no right or wrong answer. Just think through it out loud. Okay, first off... What is the quickest and cleanest way to kill a 300lb man?"
  • "Your current place of employment... are they hiring? Can you give my resume to your boss?"
  • "Would you say that you are easily tricked into taking the blame for things that aren't your fault?"
  • "Name one thing about yourself that would keep you from getting this job."
  • "How much are you making right now? ... Are you serious? That's it? Ha! How do you even live like that?"
  • "Hypothetical situation: your employer is under investigation by the federal government. What member of your family do they have to threaten to keep you quiet?"
  • "About your salary requirements... don't tell anyone but there was sort of this "mix up" in the finance department and we don't exactly have any money right now. So first, I should tell you that we probably won't be able to pay you for at least the next six months. Oh, and if we do decide to hire you we might need to borrow a few thousand dollars from you. Just a head's up, so you might want to cut back on those expenses."
  • "So far, I'm very impressed with your experience and skills. The only thing is that you come across as a bit of an asshole."

    "So... what's your question?"

    "Oh. No question. Just saying."
  • "Does anyone know that you're here? I'm sorry. Let me rephrase: how long would you have to be missing before someone would call the authorities?"
  • "I'll be honest with you. I'm coming down from a major acid trip and I am not in the mood for this. Let's just shut off the lights and nap for an hour."
  • "Close your eyes. Now turn your head and cough."
  • "What the fuck are you looking at, Potsy!?"

Sometimes I get a little more elaborate and do some role playing:

  • "Hey, yoooouuuuuu! I'm sooooo excited that you want to work here! We are going to have so much fun. We're gonna be, like, best friends. It's gonna be so awesome. Did you ever see Grease? Omigosh. We should go rent it, like, right now and watch it. We can sing all the songs and we'll get, like, popcorn? So awesome."
  • The other day, I walked right into the room and began pacing nervously without looking at the guy:

    "I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just say it: you're fired. Now don't go thinking it's because you're ugly or because I hate your guts— Oh! I must have the wrong room. Good luck to you sir... or ma'am?"
  • Sometimes I pretend that I am in a POW camp and the situation is less an interview and more of an interrogation. I storm into the room, slam the door shut and speak with a heavy German accent: "Soooo. You sought you could escape us, eh Herr Doctor? You sink zat we are not so smart. Well. Who eez laughing now? Hahaha!" "Wha?! I don't... er..." "Lies! All you say eez lies! Tell me. Tell me where he eez! You know the Muffin Man! Where do I find him?!"
  • If I really want to freak them out, I quietly walk into the room, put my hands on the table, lean forward while looking softly into their eyes and whisper, "Take me with you." This also works well at the mall.

1 comment:

  1. Worst interview question I ever heard.

    "What's more important your job or your family?"

    Supposedly it's a loaded question because you're supposed to say my job because without it, I couldn't take care of my family.

    Go figure.

    You're posting like a demon, damn you must be bored.