The Laws of Public Restrooms

STALLS - Just because you have some privacy doesn't mean you are alone. Everyone knows what you're doing in there.
  1. Cellphone use. It should be punishable by law and the sentence should be severed hands. If I hear another person answer a phone call from the inside, I will go medieval. I firmly believe you should never be on the phone with your pants off unless you a) let the other person know and b) are paying $4.99 per minute.

    If you are a witness to this crime, do the person on the other end of the line a favor and shout to them: "He's taking a dootie, you know. Did he tell you that?"

  2. There are certain things that you can do in your home bathroom that you should not do in a public restroom. Above all, there is no excuse for brushing/flossing. You look like a homeless person. Where the hell do you think you are? Your dental hygiene disgusts me.

    To prove my point I'm going to crash the bathroom at work one afternoon, showing up in my bathrobe, shower sandals and the toiletry basket from my college days. The message should be clear by the time I start plucking body hair.

  3. More music. And none of that soft jazz or elevator music bullshit. The restroom is no place for soft, ambient melodies. Give me some ear-bleeding hard rock. I shouldn't be able to tell if the guy in the stall next to me is being hacked to death by a chainsaw. That's the kind of cover noise I want.

  4. Do not use the handicapped stall. Ever. That's my stall. I called permanent dibs on every handicapped stall in the world during the summer of 1998. If there are more than one supersized stalls, mine is the one on the end.

URINALS - The ability to pee standing up is a gift. Show some respect.
  1. Pants are to remain on at all times. Unless you are 5 years old and in the transition stages from diaper-wear to bigboy undies, your pants should remain at waist-level for the urination duration. If your pants are around your ankles and your shirt pulled up to your neck, I'm going to kick you hard. I promise.

  2. Mandatory standing distance from a public urinal: two feet. No more. No less. I don't care how endowed you think you are. You shouldn't be able to fit a yardstick between your chest and the wall. There are no extra points for pee distance. On the flip side, if your forearms are touching the inner walls of the urinal, back it up a few steps. You look like you're trying to crawl inside. Gross.

  3. The cardinal rule: whenever possible, leave as many buffer spots as possible. If there are 9 empty urinals and some perv comes and takes the spot next to me, he is nonverbally offering to hold it for me. Yes. "It".

    He is also giving me the legal right to cut his off. Yes. "It."

  4. No talking. No eye-contact. And no touching dammit. Even if you happen upon your long-lost father whom you haven't seen in 30 years, it can wait until you zip, wash and exit.

    If you really want to be an ass, use the stadium restroom right after the game is over. When your turn in line comes up, lean way back, tilt your head to the side and start a conversation with somebody 10 urinals away. If you do this, everyone will hate you. Including your mother. But especially me.

WOMENS RESTROOMS - From what I gather (out of both rumor and conjecture), women's bathrooms are paradise. Every one of them is stocked with soft, plush couches, a bounty of beautiful flowers that are replaced daily and midgets who handwash your bottom. Sometimes there is a small orchestral quartet. This is why women spend so much time in there. I would.
  1. You never know who is hiding in the other stalls. Hold your gossip until you know who can hear you. Shouting to your gal-pal over the partition that so-and-so is "a big fat whore-bitch" is guaranteed to be overheard by somebody who knows somebody who can't wait to tell Fatty you called her a slut. And ya busted.

  2. You can always spare a square. Don't be selfish.

  3. No, I wasn't the one who put my own phone number on the wall. But that still doesn't explain why you haven't called.


  1. Stine22.2.08

    All so very true. But just like men, women should have the same cardinal rule, that when doing your business, that you do not use the stall next to mine...there is a every other stall rule. Move on, sister. Don't be peeing next to me, it's just wrong.

  2. Another point -- Do not try to carry on a conversation with me after I've entered a stall ... This is not the time for conversation ... Initiate the conversation before I go in or wait until afterwards please.