Why Alcohol and the Ocean are a Great Combo

The minute I stepped on the ship, I saw smiling faces all around me. Everyone was so friendly, considerate and just happy to be alive. It was unfamiliar territory for me.

On this trip, I was joined by quite the cast of characters:

  • Sarah, aka "The Potty Mouth"
  • Allison, aka "Fluffy"
  • Chris, aka "El Presidente"
  • Jewel, aka "My Name is Not Julie"
  • Dana, aka "Snotty" (the only girl who gets a cold in the Caribbean)
We arrived charged and ready for a good time. I stopped the first waiter carrying a tray full of mega-pink-drinks. We ordered drink after drink after drink. When we could drink no more, we staggered up to the deck to toast the open sea. Unfortunately, the boat was still at port:
"What the hell is that? There's a city out there!"
"That's Tampa."
"Tampa? We're back? The cruise is already over?"
"No. I don't think it's started yet."
"What the fuck are we still doing in Tampa?"
Many people go on cruises looking for love. I know exactly what I want in a woman, but unfortunately Carmen Electra's breasts were not in attendance. So I was forced to find solace in drunken, naive, hot, college girls. And yes, those last five words happen to be my five favorite. God bless Spring Break.

Speaking of the Lord, this trip gave me a spiritual awakening. Easter marks Jesus' dying for our sins, right? And to prepare for this hallowed occassion, we have Mardi Gras and Spring Break -- two events celebrated with drunkenness, fornication and every kind of naughty sinnery your dirty little mind can imagine. I guess we're just making sure he didn't sacrifice himself for nothing.

While sitting at the bar, I overheard one guy putting on his best moves.

Dude: Tiger Woods touched me. No lie.
Dame: What?
Dude: For real. Shook. My. Hand. It was on the 13th fairway. I was leaning over the rope and like 'Tiger! Yo! Tiger!' And he grabbed my hand. For like a full second.
Dame: Okay... that's different.
I'm not sure what he was going for. But he bought the girl a drink, so technically she still had to put out.

Quick tip for the next time you go on a drinking binge with yours truly: an easy way to gauge joey's level of drunkenness is to notice how frequently he refers to himself in the third person. I mean, refer to myself. To be honest, I'm a little buzzed right now.

Of course, the trip was not without controversy. The ship held a free liquor tasting. I wasn't looking for trouble but maybe I shouldn't have showed up with a bottle of Miller Lite in hand.

Me: Hi. I'd like to try the Courvoisier, please.
German Waiter: ID please, sir.
Me: Oh. Shoot. I left it back in my room.
GW: I am sorry, sir. I cannot serve you.
Me: Really? Oh well. I understand.
GW: Sir! Please! It is ze rules. I cannot help you.
By this point, I had already stepped aside and allowed the line to move ahead.
Me: I hear ya. It's cool.
GW: There is nussing I can do!! You cannot have anything!!
As I exited the room, I could still hear him pleading for my cooperation...
GW: Security! 'e 'az become belligerent! 'elp!
On second thought, he may have been French.

The Cayman Islands offered dozens of activities. Our group elected to swim with the stingrays. If you're wondering "Isn't that the animal that killed animal expert Steve Irwin?", then you are not only correct but you are also a decent trivia whiz. Get a girlfriend.
We left the cruise and got on a ferry, which took us to a bus, which then took us to a smaller boat, which we rode to Stingray City. I was amazed to see the sandbar occupied by over 300 people. Apparently, I wasn't the only one to jump at the chance to pay $70 to play with an animal that killed a man called The Crocodile Hunter.

As you may recall, the last time I went on a cruise, I had a romantic encounter with another sea creature. Yes, it was quite disturbing. Still, I had hoped to continue the trend on our stingray adventure. But it was not to be. Those things are fucking creepy. I touched one. It felt like a tongue the size of a beach towel. Oh, and they can kill you.

UPDATE: 3/20/2008: Woman dies after ray strikes her
That's fucking marvelous.

yes, even hell has a gift shop

Not surprisingly, the Mexican natives took right to me. Everywhere I went, they called me "Los Pantolones Locos." I think that translates to "Sexy Pants."

Cozumel was nice because it allowed us to get away from the loud, drunken chaos of the ship. We decided to go to Señor Frogs, where the waitresses pour shots in your mouth, violently shake your head and rub your nipples. All for only $3.50. Pretty good deal.

But probably the most amusing part of the trip was when we tried to figure out when the shops closed for that most genius of inventions, the siesta.

Sarah: Excuse me, what time is your siesta?
Señor: Pardon me, Miss?
Sarah: Siesta. What time does that happen?
Señor: Siesta? I am sorry. I do not understand, Señorita.
Sarah: Siesta. It's when you take a small break or a nap in the middle of the day... all the stores close...
Joe: Sarah, he's Mexican. And you're telling him what "siesta" means. I'm guessing they don't do that here. That might be Spain.
I have to give credit to the girl for trying to explain the meaning of a Spanish word to someone whose first language is Spanish. And they call Americans silly.

On the last night of the cruise, I spent some time in the casino, because I don't like to have money. That's when I heard the last thing I could have expected:
"E! A! G! L! E! S! EAGLES!"

That's right, the Philadephia Eagles chant.

I envied the Philly pride of these guys. Cheering their gambling victory with a hometown chant. I smiled when they repeated it. Then they did it again. And again. And again. I couldn't believe they were winning so much. I had to get in on this action.

I wandered over to the roulette table where they were standing. But they weren't betting. They weren't even cheering on a friend. They just shouted the same chant whenever the wheel stopped spinning. So that's what we Philly fans look like. It was like an out of body experience. Is it wrong that I still wanted to join them? Is it wrong that I did? As they say, When in Rome....

  • "Let us toast: to not being sober."
  • "Oysters are gross. They remind me of sweaty balls."
  • "Wow, you put that drink down fast. I wish I could suck that hard."
  • "Oh hey, Joe. I didn't expect you until later." -- "Oh I always come early."
  • "Joe! Back in the closet! Now!"
  • "Fuck off, Joe."


  1. Well, I guess that answers my questions "did he make it home okay? did he fall off the ship? did he take a job as a cabana boy on the cayman islands?"

    love ya.


  2. Sounds like you had a good time, but I know that your Dolphin lover from Nassau is glad to know you haven't forgotten him.

    Now go book the Labor Day cruise or I'll get that German-French security guy after you.