The Day My Legs Got a Man Fired

TRUE STORY: For no specific reason, I got to work early today (9:45am). As I approached my workstation, I noticed that my office neighbor's desk was completely cleared out. No computer. No personal possessions. No spare change or loose bills in the second drawer. Nada. Our desks are connected and separated by a thin partition, so I got a pretty good look at the void.

Yet it wasn't an hour later that I saw him - let's call him Maximillian Raffenbauer of Morrisville, North Carolina. And let's pretend he isn't from Luxembourg. So I spot Maximillian Raffenbauer walking around the office. Now this I found quite curious. So curious, in fact, that I found myself thinking, "Hmm. This is rather curious."

As I watched him pass, his manager approached him with strict determination. I continued to observe/notice/eavesdrop.

"Umm.. Hey, Max. Did you... move your desk this morning?"

He replied, "Well... yeah. I did."

"You know you can't just do that, right?"

He started to turn in my direction, then stopped. "Can we talk in private?"

I am not exactly sure what all happened in this top secret discussion. But I know it started off with him saying, "Joe shakes. He shakes. All day long his legs are twitching. It's nonstop. My monitor is literally in constant motion. It gives me terrible headaches. I couldn't take the ridiculous distraction anymore so I moved."

I also know that this private conversation escalated quickly and ended a few hours later with him emptying his newly-inhabited desk and being escorted out of the building.

The conversation where this was disclosed was private and fully confidential. So of course everyone in the office knew about it within minutes. Before me even. In unparalleled consideration and professionalism, they all started calling me "Earthquake Joe." But I've been given this nickname before. Just for different reasons. Mmm-hmm.

When I learned the details of his involuntary departure, I was dumbfounded. The situation plagued my thoughts all afternoon. This man was unemployed because of me. Here one minute. Gone the next. Because of my actions, I drove someone to the brink of insanity and tormented his work life. And I was totally unaware of it the whole time.

After some deep thinking, I determined what had to be done. If I actually put some effort into this, I can really start some shit. By my calculations, I can up my caffeine intake enough by drinking just two more cans of Red Bull each day and piss off enough people to have my very own corner office by September.


  1. Anonymous4.4.08

    Or, you could take some Ritalin to cure your ADD and alleviate the growing unemployment problem at the same time.


  2. Ok. Did this really happen? I have to know.

  3. Maximillian Raffenbauer (Morrisville, North Carolina)23.7.08

    I happen to know for a fact that this happened.
    Thanks a lot "Earthquake Joe."

  4. I think you're onto something. Is it working thusfar? September is right around the corner.