5/26/2008

The PickUp Artist

*update: download the
audio version of this post

Hi. I'm Joe. What's your name?

---

Really. Blair? Like on The Facts of Life? Is Tootie around here?

---

The Facts of Life? It's just some show from the 80s. George Clooney was on it. Never mind. What year were you born anyway?

---

Just because you didn't know that show. What were you born in the 90s or something?

---

No, I didn't mean it like that. Anybody who says you look like a teenager is just messing with you. You could easily pass for older. 25. 30. 35 even. So what do you do?

---

You work for the government? This government? Sweet. What do you do there?

---

You don't like to talk about it or you're not allowed to? Sounds like some real spy shit to me. I guess one way or the other it has something to do with national security or preserving democracy.

---

My company? We sell ringtones. We're not hunting Russian submarines or anything, but it can still get pretty crazy. Keep it quiet, but I've got the new 50 Cent as my ringer. It's not even on the radio yet. Pretty hot stuff. But you guys listen in on people's phone calls so I guess that's kind of the same thing.

So I'm not sure what you and your friend are doing tonight, but I'm headed over to a Swap Party in a little bit if you want to go.

---

Swap Party? It's kind of like a Key Party.

---

Really? Never heard of Key Parties? They used to have them in the 70s. But I guess that's around the time your parents were born. Oh, I'm just teasing.

Basically, a bunch of couples would throw a party and everyone would put their keys in a bowl. The women would pick out a set of keys and whoever's keys you got, you'd go have sex with.

---

No, no, no. We don't do that. It sounds kind of weird to me, too. I guess at the time, you have enough alcohol and drugs and chocolate fondue, it probably seems like a good idea. But the next few days would be all awkward. You could be at the grocery store... or maybe your kid's soccer game...

"Hey Tom! Buddy! What's up? Crazy party last night. Can you believe I ended up nailing your wife? Has her jaw always made that clicking noise? How annoying is that? And what's with all the orgasms? It's like, 'Okay, honey. I know it feels good but give me a break. You're embarrassing me. You act like you haven't had enjoyable sex in 10 years.' Anyway, shame you couldn't make it. Awesome guacamole."

---

Well, first off, our parties are different because we don't invite couples or girlfriends or parents or boyfriends or married people. That's just asking for trouble. So we usually bring friends or coworkers or people we just met. All the guys write their phone number on a slip of paper and put that in the bowl. Then the girls each take one and scatter around the house. A few minutes later, the guys will get a phone call. She won't say who she is - just something like "Hey, sexy. Come on out to the hot tub." Or "I'm in the laundry room. Let's get dirty." Something like that.

Pretty sweet, huh? Call your friend over and we head over now. Oh - I have to warn you: it's BYO roofies so... drop 'em if you got 'em.

---

Oh really? She's having surgery tomorrow? And she's out at a bar tonight? There's so much about the health industry I don't understand. That sucks. Well, maybe you two can make the next party. Let me get your number.

---

555? I didn't think they actually gave out those numbers. I thought those were only reserved for movies or something. That's pretty sweet. I should look into getting one of them. So how about I text you, like, 3 to 4 times before the night is over. And then I'll call tomorrow to see if you want to get breakfast or lunch or brunch or something. That sound good to you?

4 comments:

  1. haha, very nice. This would never happen at Legends, you know. You'd get more respect there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous29.5.08

    Is there a category for "stupid comments from my mom"? I know I didn't make it into the "Witty Responses" category...maybe you could make a category called "Family Stupidisms" and only make it viewable to the family. I'm sorta insulted...but not really.

    e.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Any party where the roofies are flowing is a damn good party.

    You shouldn't feel bad, the 555 number is only given out when the guy is extra special...you know riding in the Shortubus special, those kinds of guys get the 555 digits.

    Hi-Larious as always, Seph.

    Stine

    ReplyDelete
  4. "...and this is his way of reaching out to the world. Bwahahahaha..."

    ReplyDelete