4/01/2008

Seriously?

Oh! I see how it is. Today is April Fool's. So you thought to yourself, 'Speaking of fools, let's check in on Joe.' As if I'm some laugh-whore you can call upon whenever you are feeling joke-horny. Is that all I am to you? You Google me only when you want to get your jollies and then I'm out of sight, out of mind, out of pants?

Well that is really S'ed up. I don't need you. I can Google myself. All night long. I should just kick you in the F.

But of course I won't. Not because you're stronger than me. Not because I'm afraid of you. It's only partially for those reasons. But mostly because you know I've always got something to say. And God bless the Internet for letting me say it even if no one feels like listening.

Here is a list of my more treasured witticisms©...

  • If you don't have something nice to say about someone, then they must be family
  • Handicapped stalls in public restrooms aren't just for handicapped people. They're also for people who are used to luxury.
  • Everybody likes a winner... except for the guy who comes in second
  • The existence of children suggests that God does not want humans to procreate
  • When you're in a relationship and you tell someone that you just want to be friends, you're basically saying "I enjoy your company. I just never want to see you naked again"
  • They say that laughter is the key to a woman's heart. But what if I just want to have sex with her and steal her money?
  • The human mind can contain seven thoughts simultaneously. At any given moment at least four of those thoughts are about sex.
  • It's not illegal if you don't pay for it and it's not weird as long as you keep your eyes closed
  • FACT: 27% of mothers give birth to a child whose biological father is not their husband. You're welcome.



I also possess an uncanny amount of self awareness. The following are some of my more ephinal reflections. And yes, epiphanal is a word.

  • God made me on the 7th day of Creation. Then he stopped and says, "That is NOT what I was going for. I'd better take the rest of the day off."
  • I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. They just happen to all be bad ones.
  • I'm the only person in the world who is constantly in rare form
  • I'm like my own annoying little brother
  • Joe: Man, I feel great. If I had to put it in terms of money, I'd say I feel-
    Friend: Like a million bucks?
    Joe: I was gonna say 20. Let's not get carried away.

  • Joe: Sometimes I'll be in a conversation with someone and then I'll interrupt myself to comment on my own statement. I can't think of what that's called...
    Friend: Self-centered?
    Joe: Oh. I didn't realize you were there.



One final brilliant observation:

  • The entire staff of the spanish channel is made up of the Fanta girls

2 comments:

  1. laughing out loud is a wonderful way to start the morning-- thank you, mr. saunders. this one has come in especially handy: "It's not illegal if you don't pay for it and it's not weird as long as you keep your eyes closed." so true.
    have a wonderful april 1st. hope your day is seriously "epiphanal."

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  2. Jamie4.7.08

    Good lord you crack me up.

    "When you're in a relationship and you tell someone that you just want to be friends, you're basically saying "I enjoy your company. I just never want to see you naked again"

    Bwahahahahaha.

    And the Fanta girls--OMG you are genius.

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