7/15/2008

Drugs is Bad

So I had intended to take a relaxation-inducing Xanax pill the other day at work. But instead, I mistakenly swallowed a coma-inducing Ambien sleep-aid pill. The thing is, I didn't realize it until some 4 hours later - making the interim somewhat entertaining.

I took the pill around 2 o'clock (because it is impossible to keep me in one place for more than 5 hours without the use of medication). Around 3pm, I thought to myself, "I feel good. No. Like reeeeally good." I may have said this out loud. And at a more-than-personal volume. Plus, I kept calling everybody "man".

For some people, drugs make them engage in wild, outlandish and potentially dangerous behavior. In my case, drugs only lead to writing ridiculous emails that are rife with nonsense and unnecessary vocabulary (for example, words like "rife"). My brain chemistry sucks. Also, improper medication often inspires me to attempt organization of rebellion-type activities or some other form of passive-aggressive uprising. Damn the Man.

The following is what resulted from my mis-diagnosis. In my (further) weakened mental state, this effort took up the bulk of my afternoon. So it wasn't a total loss.

Friends,

Belgian beer manufacturer IBev has made an offer to purchase all of Anheuser Busch. This includes Budweiser, Bud Light, Budweiser Select, Bud Light with Lime Infusion, Bud Dry, Bud Ice, Bud Ice Light, Michelob, Michelob Light, Michelob Ultra, Bass, Stella Artois, Rolling Rock, Busch, Busch Light, Busch Ice, Natural Light, Natural Ice -- "Natty Ice" for God's sakes; this stuff helped vomit me into adulthood drinking abuse --. Oh and so many more beverages that I simply cannot name because my eyes are getting really fuzzy and I just feel like dancing to some old school rock. AC/DC. Ozzie. You know? Oh shit! We need some Tom Petty. Yes! Where did I put that mix tape?

Before those lousy krauts get their sweaty dego hands on our beer, we need to fight this. Everyone, go out and buy all the Budweiser you can. Stock up on the good stuff before they taint it with their buddhist ginsing or whatever.

You think the old coke / new coke thing was a battle? This is going to be a war of the grandest scale. On one side will stand true (slightly tippsy, possibly beer-bellied) Americans triumphant over crushed kegs of delicious ales and lagers (light, iced, ultra'ed or otherwise flavored). On the other side will be a bunch of dirty Belgies and their inbred Dutch uncle-brothers. You know they were all in Europe during world war 2, right? And so were the Germans? Do I have spell it out for you? belgium, the netherlands, holland and the dutch -- not to mention denmark, austria, switzerland, france, spain and england: they're probably all still nazi's.

From this horrific military display there will arise one beer. One beer to rule them all. One beer to sweeten the victory, to numb the pain, to exaggerate the less interesting points of this email. And beer sent by the angels of the Lord may only be drunken from a magnificent goblet made of pure gold to be kept in the freezer so it always looks frosty.

This, my friends, is your independence day.

-jb



In hindsight, there is really only one question that remains. Is that really how you spell Anheuser? What is that all about?

4 comments:

  1. Maybe on Fridays this should become the default 2pm medication.

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  2. I didn't realize you had any left, I thought I put them all in your food that night on the cruise. Oh...uh, nevermind. Just kidding. Yeah. Haha. Joking.

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  3. nazis=Buddhist ginseng. Ok. :)

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  4. i feel special that i got that note in email form that fine day

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