Because I'm Not Cool Enough to Understand Twitter

This is what I have been up to..

Sweet Dreams are Made of This

I had a dream that I met Tina Fey. I was so nervous, the only thing I could think to say was, "Uh... Do you want to go to a Coldplay concert some time?" Even in my dreams, I am the least smooth motherfucker on the planet. In case you're wondering, she told me she only likes me as a friend.

Medical Mysteries

I had a doctor actually say the following words: "Hold on, let me Google that..."

Moving On Up

I just moved into a brand new townhouse. Despite my wishes to call it The Pimp Pad, The Bachelor Bungalow or simply The Estate, I was threatened permanent social banishment by every friend I have tested the names with.

The Worst Accidental Pun Ever

I was at work one day, talking to the receptionist (who happens to be black). We both see the UPS guy come into the office (and he also happens to be black). When he gets to where we are standing, she turns to me and says, "Don't you just love UPS?" Without realizing the alternate meaning, I blurt out, "Oh yeah. I am totally down with The Brown." Awk-ward.