The Great Date Experiment - Taking a Dive

At some point during a blind date, both parties will silently decide whether or not they ever want to see the other person again. But this is not a dating game show, there is no giant red button marked "Next!", nor is it socially acceptable to get up and walk away in the middle of conversation. So one must see the encounter through to its conclusion.

In order to accelerate toward that conclusion and bring the date to its merciful end, one must sometimes resort to what I call "taking a dive." That is, intentionally saying or doing things that will make the other person feel the same driving desire to evacuate as soon as possible.

First, start with body language. Do not make eye contact. Don't listen when the other person is talking. Occasionally interrupting them works, too. The truly brave are welcome to attempt faking Tourette's.

Eva: ... and we came in 6th place in the entire state of Montana so we almost nearly practically won the championship but then I didn't really have the time to play it as a college sport since I didn't want to go to school. But I just like talking to people and listening so that's how I got into dental hygiene. How about you?
Joe: Huh? Oh yeah. So... um. Did you play any sports growing up?
Eva: I just told you - oh! I get it. Haha! You're funny.

Damn. My charm is so potent even I can't turn it off. Phase 2: politics.

Joe: I'll tell ya - this Obama guy is really messing things up. I don't give a shit about poor people or anyone who can't afford health insurance. Survival of the fittest, right?
Eva: Wow.
Joe: I'm just saying - I was perfectly fine with another 8 years of Bush, Jr. Now there is a smart cookie.
Eva: You... are... so... right! Can I just say? I LOVE the Bush family. They're just good people, you know?
Joe: Uhh... yeah...

So that's how you want to do this? Fine.

Joe: ... totally. I mean, so what if they had some Nazi ties? Lots of people did. And not for nothing, but say what you want about Hitler, the guy knew how to hold a room. Just a hell of a public speaker.
Eva: See? That's what I've been saying. I know he was evil and Satan incarnate and whatnot. But it takes more than one guy to kill 6 million people. If no one had listened to him, he just would have been some crazy asshole on the street. But no, there were thousands of people who heard his bullshit and were like, "Yeah. That sounds alright to me." That's the really scary part.

Shit. She's right. This dame is starting to get pretty interesting. Let's focus. We're moving to Phase 3: offend.

Joe: Nancy Grace is a loudmouth ass.
Eva: I once saw her in an airport. I wanted to spit on her.

I have no choice but to proceed to Phase 4: insult and bore. Simultaneously.

Joe: So I know chicks like to read about celebrities or whatever but I gotta tell you about this video game I was playing the other day.
Eva: XBox or PS3?
Joe: Umm, PS3.
Eva: Awesome. Me too. Okay, shoot.
Joe: Right. Uh, so I was playing Madden - its a football game - with a buddy of mine and it was a pretty tight match-up. I was the '04 Eagles and he was the Patriots.
Eva: Super Bowl 39. Very nice. I hope you didn't keep McNabb in the pocket and you let him scramble like hell.
Joe: Exactly! He was so fast back then. It's just ridiculous that he was so paranoid about being labled a "passing quarterback." Who cares? Pay me millions of dollars to play a sport and you can label me whatever the hell you want!
Eva: Absolutely. That would have been an entirely different game if the Pats were forced to sit back and keep an eye on him.

Okay. So maybe I was wrong to try for a premature evacuation. I think we can give this another shot.

Joe: So I was thinking, we should get together some time this weekend.
Eva: Nah. I don't think it's going to work out. But it was nice meeting you.

In hindsight, I realize that the mature thing to do in this situation would have been to be honest. But clearly "mature" is not my default setting because otherwise I would have an easier time finding a girlfriend.

Recap: I tried to fail, but I was unsuccessful. So I gave up and tried to succeed, which I also failed at. And that's how you get a negative batting average.